It is July 2017, and President Donald Trump has been in office for six months now. Much has changed since the beginning of the year. Let us first look back at the past six months, then we will look at what is happening in the big Gold House today.
The immigration crisis in the U.S. has reversed itself and turned from a problem of immigration to one of mass emigration. Whereas one year ago, we were mostly concerned with Syrian refugees flooding the country, the concern now is U.S. citizens trying to flee the country. Some 250,000 fled over the U.S./Canadian border during the first quarter of 2017. Canada closed its border to U.S. citizens at the end of March, and the latest wave of emigrants have been heading over the Mexican border or attempting the 90-mile journey to Cuba in yachts and other small pleasure craft. So far there have been few mishaps, however as more and more people try to leave U.S. territory, that is likely to change soon. A small number have fled to the European continent; however, the EU has made it clear that immigrants from the U.S. are persona non grata. EU President Jean-Claude Juncker, in his statement last Friday, said, “Americans made their beds last November. Let them wallow in them.” Meanwhile, President Trump has issued an executive order stating that any U.S. citizen caught trying to leave the country will be imprisoned for a minimum of 90 days and subject to waterboarding during that time. This is a reversal of the statement that Trump issued in February when the emigration began and he reportedly said, “I don’t give a shit. Let them all go. I don’t need them and they are the ones who will be sorry. They will be sorry.”
President Trump and Vice President Palin recently returned from a trip to Russia where they met with Vladimir Putin and other Russian officials. Trump pledged military aid to Russia for its effort to gain control over remaining Ukrainian and other territories. “We’re gonna send them planes and bombs … lots of bombs … lots of bombs”, Trump told reporters yesterday. Ms. Palin, asked what she felt was accomplished by the trip, answered “Oh MY … I did sooooo much shopping! I got the most adorable little bolero!”
Trump News, formerly Fox News, is reporting that the senate failed to confirm Trumps nomination of Judith Sheindlin (aka Judge Judy) to fill the current opening on the Supreme Court. Trump ordered the senate to reconsider the matter and take another vote on Monday, stating that if the confirmation is not forthcoming, he will “fire all the senators who voted against the nomination”. Informed by aides that he does not have the power to fire senators, he responded “I will pass a law. I will pass a law so that I can fire senators. I will pass a law.” Informed that he does not have the power to single-handedly pass a law, he fired the aides.
President Trump has announced that he will not attend the Global United Nations Climate Change Conference to be held in Johannesburg, South Africa in November. “Climate change is all a hoax. It’s all a hoax and those people are boring. I like people who want to have fun. All those people do is sit around and talk about a myth. Climate change is a myth. We’re gonna take the oil and we’re gonna burn the oil and we’re gonna burn the coal. I like to spend my time with people who are fun. Those people aren’t fun.” In an interview with CNN’s Chris Cuomo, Trump replied to the question of how he plans to ‘take the oil’: “We’re gonna take the oil, okay? We’re gonna take the oil. They are gonna give us the oil just so we don’t bomb the [bleep] out of them.”
Which brings us to today’s news. Kim Jong-Un, Supreme Leader of the DPRK (North Korea) issued a warning that if all sanctions against North Korea are not lifted by the end of this month, he will launch missiles armed with nuclear warheads at the United States and other western nations. President Trump responded by saying “we will bomb him first. I’ve got a nuclear arsenal at my disposal and I will use it. I will bomb all of Korea off the map. I will bomb the shit out of them. Bring me that red phone. Where is that red phone? I will bomb them now!” An anonymous source within the White Gold House tells us that the red phone could not be found and that the president has ordered a new one to be delivered tomorrow. Defense Secretary Chris Christie was fired for apparently losing the red phone. The world stands at the brink of all-out war, a brink as we have not seen since the Cuban Missile Crisis in October 1962. We can only hope that this is resolved without disaster, as was the Cuban Missile Crisis. President Trump is no Kennedy.
I really started out with the intention of this being a humorous piece, but every time I read it, it seems less funny. I considered not even posting it, but I will and let the chips fall where they may. Feel free to remind me that humour is supposed to be funny. I apparently forgot how to do funny.