As I reported earlier in the week, the U.S. was bracing for the onset of CWII (Civil War II) yesterday as the nation celebrated the Independence Day holiday. Well, folks, you can come out now, for it didn’t happen and we seem safe, at least for the moment. America’s numero uno conspiracy theorist, Alex Jones, had pronounced on his InfoWars program earlier this week that he had been informed by reliable sources that the democrats had a huge plan to start the second Civil War on the symbolic Fourth of July, overthrowing Trump and taking over the government. Today, Alex Jones must be busily washing all the egg off his face, eh?Some got some humour from the whole thing, at least. Here are a few tweets …
The war isn’t going as planned. Our supply trucks are limited. I’m out of wine and sunscreen. The enemy burned all the books and there is no place to recharge my Kindle. The only music is an old CD of Justin Bieber. – All is lost.
“My love, I’m unsure you will ever read this. I was captured at the battle of Starbucks and have been forced to watch the Dukes of Hazard for what feels like eternity. When I asked for water, I was given Budweiser, when I asked for bread I was given KFC.”
Dear heart, today we took a captive. We forced him to do hard labor. So far he has baked 75 gay wedding cakes. Adam and Steve’s battle-side ceremony was beautiful, they thank you for the toaster.
Dear Ma and Pa, It’s Day 2 of the #SecondCivilWar. My comrades and I have set up camp in a library. There is absolutely no chance they will find us here. Love, Sam
My brothers and sisters: I regretfully report that I will not be able to make it to the battlefield for the #SecondCivilWar. I was drafting battle plans in a Starbucks when I was arrested for not buying anything. You must stay strong in my absence.
Dearest Parents, The mess hall has run out of avocados so I was forced to top my toast with jam. The fog of war is so trying at times that even my therapy unicorn brings no comfort. 😢
Dear General Rodham, we have gained on the enemy by building a wall of your emails, which they can’t get over.
We have snuck behind enemy lines and removed the gender-specific signage from their latrines. Now we wait for their bladders to explode.
I have to go to Ralph’s then need to shower but I can shower after the war I guess
Dear Alexa, we are pinned down and in urgent need of ammunition. Please send ASAP… but only if it qualifies for Amazon Prime’s free shipping.
Some people are saying that the war is over. Can this be true? Those of us in Texas remain sceptical, recalling the end of the first war, when the declaration of surrender got lost in the spam filter for two years.
And on it goes, for in the few minutes I spent on #secondcivilwarletters on Twitter searching for the above samples, over 100 more tweets had hit the site! I am glad that most found the humour in the lies that came from Jones’ mouth, for it had been my fear that enough would take him seriously to arm themselves as they went to various festivities. Since most of those festivities include massive amounts of alcohol, and since most people aren’t too level-headed after consuming massive amounts of alcohol, I was anticipating at least a few incidents. Jones’ claims were ridiculous enough that one would think they wouldn’t be taken seriously, but then … remember Pizzagate?