Civil War II — Cancelled

Posted on by under Humour, Political commentary, Social commentary

As I reported earlier in the week, the U.S. was bracing for the onset of CWII (Civil War II) yesterday as the nation celebrated the Independence Day holiday.  Well, folks, you can come out now, for it didn’t happen and we seem safe, at least for the moment.  America’s numero uno conspiracy theorist, Alex Jones, had pronounced on his InfoWars program earlier this week that he had been informed by reliable sources that the democrats had a huge plan to start the second Civil War on the symbolic Fourth of July, overthrowing Trump and taking over the government.  Today, Alex Jones must be busily washing all the egg off his face, eh?egg on faceSome got some humour from the whole thing, at least.  Here are a few tweets …

The war isn’t going as planned. Our supply trucks are limited. I’m out of wine and sunscreen. The enemy burned all the books and there is no place to recharge my Kindle. The only music is an old CD of Justin Bieber. – All is lost. 

“My love, I’m unsure you will ever read this. I was captured at the battle of Starbucks and have been forced to watch the Dukes of Hazard for what feels like eternity. When I asked for water, I was given Budweiser, when I asked for bread I was given KFC.”

Dear heart, today we took a captive. We forced him to do hard labor. So far he has baked 75 gay wedding cakes. Adam and Steve’s battle-side ceremony was beautiful, they thank you for the toaster. 

Dear Ma and Pa, It’s Day 2 of the #SecondCivilWar. My comrades and I have set up camp in a library. There is absolutely no chance they will find us here. Love, Sam

My brothers and sisters: I regretfully report that I will not be able to make it to the battlefield for the #SecondCivilWar. I was drafting battle plans in a Starbucks when I was arrested for not buying anything. You must stay strong in my absence.

Dearest Parents, The mess hall has run out of avocados so I was forced to top my toast with jam. The fog of war is so trying at times that even my therapy unicorn brings no comfort. 😢 

Dear General Rodham, we have  gained on the enemy by building a wall of your emails, which they can’t get over.

We have snuck behind enemy lines and removed the gender-specific signage from their latrines. Now we wait for their bladders to explode.

I have to go to Ralph’s then need to shower but I can shower after the war I guess

Dear Alexa, we are pinned down and in urgent need of ammunition. Please send ASAP… but only if it qualifies for Amazon Prime’s free shipping.

Some people are saying that the war is over. Can this be true? Those of us in Texas remain sceptical, recalling the end of the first war, when the declaration of surrender got lost in the spam filter for two years.

And on it goes, for in the few minutes I spent on #secondcivilwarletters on Twitter searching for the above samples, over 100 more tweets had hit the site!  I am glad that most found the humour in the lies that came from Jones’ mouth, for it had been my fear that enough would take him seriously to arm themselves as they went to various festivities.  Since most of those festivities include massive amounts of alcohol, and since most people aren’t too level-headed after consuming massive amounts of alcohol, I was anticipating at least a few incidents.  Jones’ claims were ridiculous enough that one would think they wouldn’t be taken seriously, but then … remember Pizzagate?

58 thoughts on “Civil War II — Cancelled”

    • I agree. This is where I think there need to be more limits on Freedom of Speech. I strongly suspect that he was hoping to rile some people into starting trouble on the 4th. I’m glad it didn’t happen, but I remember Pizzagate and I realize how easily it could have happened. Responsible speech should be a part of free speech.

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  2. Jill, people who believe what Alex Jones pitches need to find another source of information. He is far more than a conspiracy theorist – he is a con artist. His schtick is to sell his listeners/ viewers over priced stuff to guard against whatever he is foaming at the mouth about that week. The fact the President listens to this man speaks volumes about his own lack of veracity.

    Like with Trump, I don’t believe a word the man says. The odds are in my favor. Keith

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    • You are kinder than I, for I think such people need to find a good psychiatrist! No, I don’t believe a word he says either, but there is very real danger in those who do, especially when they act on his lies. He throws it out there, and then sits back to watch the fireworks, just like the gossipy old neighbor who likes to start feuds between her other neighbors and then sit back & watch.

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      • Jill, the only hope is to ask people what there source of information is and just push back on the lack of veracity. “You know he is a con artist?” is a good question to ask. But, maybe if we start with “Help me understand how that makes any sense? What is your source?” Keith

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  4. Dear Jill,

    I can honestly say that I did not give a second’s thought to Alex Jone’s prediction on the 4TH of July for Civil War II. I guess Mr. Jones was bored and was hoping for more than fireworks.

    I noticed that a lot of folks took solace at Starbucks. Personally, I am drawn to spending time with family or spending time at my favorite Barns and Nobles.

    It has to be frustrating for Mr. Jones to have been so completely ignored.

    Hugs, Gronda

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    • I didn’t give him a second glance, either, but the thing I did worry about was that enough Trump supporters might believe his trash-talk that they would start some violence. Fortunately it didn’t happen. I’m with you … a few hours spent at Barnes & Noble and I’m a happy camper! Hugs!!!

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    • Let us hope that is what happened! I would have loved to have the chance to ask him, face-to-face, “Hey Alex … what happened to your second Civil War? Did ye get yer dates mixed up???”

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  6. Perhaps, when the swamp is drained by Trump… it could be transported and disposed into the one where Alex Jones resides. He’d probably never notice a little more muck. The Tweet storm is amusing! Thank-you!

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    • HAH!!! He isn’t ‘draining the swamp’! He has only brought in nastier alligators with bigger, sharper teeth and wearing clown hats to disguise their core of evilness! But yeah, let’s add Alex Jones and Sean Hannity to the mix … why not make it the most toxic mix ever, perhaps it will explode and shoot itself into the depths of outer space! Sigh. Thanks … glad you liked the tweets … we have to take our humour where we can find it these days.

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    • Thank you, Michael! I do hope you are wrong about the EU, but frankly, from everything I am reading, it would not surprise me. Perhaps Brexit was the beginning of the end, or perhaps we need to look all the way back to the beginning of the Arab Spring uprisings, but there is certainly discord. The EU, I think, is worth saving and I hope that people in power, people in high places agree with me and work toward compromise to salvage it. Hugs, Michael!

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  15. Great Tweets. I’m glad CWII seems to have been cancelled from lack of interest though to be fair I rather hoped a raid on the White House and an execution on the front lawn of a traitor would have been acceptable.
    Cwtch

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    • Thanks David! I’m glad you liked the tweets … we must find humour where we can, yes? I wonder how Mr. Jones explained himself this morning? I tried to find out, but it appears he was mostly silent. Imagine that!

      The execution on the front lawn … well, okay … we’ll have to sell tickets, and I’m guessing at least 200 million people will want one … I’m not sure if Pennsylvania Avenue can handle that crowd … I only know that I want a front row seat!!! The ‘man’ has made my life a living hell and I want to see him go DOWN! 🙂 Me? Vengeful? Surely you jest?

      Cwtch Mawr

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  16. Oh right: Pizzagate being that Democrats were really somehow making pizza out of babies, pretty much, right?…that never registered on my radar until a woman whose father beieved it about her wrote an article about it. It still never registered as anything anyone would really believe, or most sane people would even make up–

    These tweets are funny.

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  19. Jones achieves something which is no small feat, he is more reprehensible, onerous and obnoxious than the current occupant of the Whitehouse.
    I would call him a moronic egotist but I’d only be accused of trying to win him over with flattery.
    I have witnessed more pleasant things floating out of blocked sewers.

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