The following conversation actually took place … at least in my mind, and quite possibly in the Oval Office:
It was Thursday evening, and Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell had been summoned, just before 5:00 as they were preparing to go home after a long day of pandering, boot-licking and patootie-kissing, to the White House for an impromptu meeting with Donald Trump. They were to be there at 6:30, so they called their wives and told them not to hold supper, that they would be late. They had a brief pow-wow, each trying to see if the other knew the reason for the summons, but they were both in the dark. Neither of them could find the bloomin’ light switch in the conference room!Ryan and McConnell were escorted by the nighttime cleaning lady into the Oval Office, where Trump was just settling in with his nightly McDonald’s order: 3 Big Macs, 3 orders of fries, a jumbo milkshake, and a diet Pepsi. Mouth full, he motioned the two to a chair, and kept on chewing, as food particles tumbled down his tie. Ryan and McConnell each reached for one of the remaining Big Macs, and got their hands smacked for their efforts.
“I called you two bozos here because I want to know how the budget bills are coming?”
“We’ve been passing bills, Mr. Trump … I know you’ve seen them,” said Ryan.
“I’ve seen the ridiculous garbage you sent up here, but there’s only one thing I haven’t seen that I need to see … the funding for my damn border wall!”
“Sir, you agreed to postpone the fight over the border wall until after the mid-term elections in November, remember? We all agreed that a fight over the border wall right now could negatively impact the elections and swing some in favour of the democrats. The border wall really is only popular among about 20% of the country, and the rest of the country hates it,” argued Mitch in a calm, yet obviously stressed voice.
Two fists came down hard on the 139-year-old Resolute desk.
“I said, ‘We’ll see’, when you to mentioned a postponement a few weeks ago. I never agreed to it! I want my wall and I want it now!!!” He slammed his little pudgie fists on the desk again for emphasis. “How have you managed to keep your job this long, Mitch? Why do the people of the great state of … where is it you’re from again? Missouri?”
“Oh … that explains it, then.”
Ryan, sweating around his collar by now, tried again …
“Mr. Trump, the impor…”
“The important thing is MY WALL! Who do you think pays your salary??? I’ll tell you who pays you and who can fire you tomorrow … maybe even tonight!”
Straightening his shoulders just a bit, thankful that he was leaving at the end of this term, Paul Ryan ventured bravely forth with …
“Actually, sir, the taxpayers pay my salary and no, sir, you cannot fire me.”
“SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP! I am the president and I can do whatever I damn well please. I have built the greatest economy and put the most judges on the bench of any other president in history. The economy is doing great, just ask anyone! The people all love me … everybody says so! And what I want is A WALL! I promised the people a wall and I’m gonna build them a big beautiful wall!”
“Sir … to be clear, the people thought Mexico was going to pay for the wall because you told them so.”
“SEE! They love me, they trust me, they believe me!”
“But, Mr. Trump … Mexico isn’t going to pay for the wall. You are spending money you don’t have, and the people will end up paying for it.”
Trump rolled his eyes, crossed his stubby, fat arms across his expansive chest as he is wont to do, and sighed a sigh of exasperation.
“It. Doesn’t. Matter. Don’t you get it? Are you seriously that stupid? It doesn’t matter who pays, as long as I … er, the people … get the wall to keep all the murderers and rapists from coming in from shithole countries!”
Paul Ryan stands. Removes his tie. Turns and exits the Oval Office.
Trump, now on his third Big Mac, slurping the last of the milk shake, splutters and spits a bit of milk-laced burger on McConnel’s glasses. But Mitch doesn’t notice, for all of a sudden it is dark in the Oval Office. Paul Ryan had turned the lights off on his way out. Turns out, Kellyanne is the only one who knows the location of the light switch.
To be continued …