Who Knew Phil Was Republican?

Punxsutawney Phil Arrested For Fraud

Groundhog Phil(Punxsutawney, PA) Western Pennsylvania was in shock today, in addition to being snowbound, after news leaked that Punxsutawney Phil has been arrested for fraud. This follows a lengthy investigation during which it emerged that he deliberately predicted an early summer despite knowing winter was far from over in order to manipulate betting markets. He did not act alone, but in concert with criminal elements out of Ohio who placed huge long-odds wagers on an early summer prediction.

To his credit, local residents say Phil had resisted such pressures for years, carrying out his predictions in a faithful manner despite the promise of huge payoffs if he were to fix the result. Sadly it appears he finally gave in to temptation and deliberately predicted an early summer when he knew almost for a fact that bitterly cold temperatures would still be arriving well into April and beyond.

Those close to him say they were not so surprised to hear he would be indicted as he had been on the decline for some time. Rumors of meth addiction, so often the downfall of those who feel trapped in rural areas, abounded – and there was also a string of dysfunctional relationships with questionable types who appeared to be more attracted to Phil the celebrity instead of the friend they knew.

He also felt under immense pressure due to the rise of a new generation of meteorologically-gifted rodents such as Staten Island Chuck, and was utterly despondent to hear about the growing popularity of Balzac Billy (a.k.a. the Prairie Prognosticator) in Alberta, Canada, who is not even a groundhog, but a man in a costume.

He is expected to be formally arraigned tomorrow once it’s warmed up a bit.

19 thoughts on “Who Knew Phil Was Republican?

  1. I will never believe that Punxsutawney Phil would stoop so low as to not see his own shadow for nefarious reasons. While he is a rodent of sorts, he is not a rat, more like a giant North American ground squirrel of the cute and maybe not so cuddly type. The poor guy is damned if he predicts an early Spring and damned if he doesn’t by predicting 6 more weeks of winter. Why just last year there was a Pennsylvania warrant for his arrest based on deception. How was it his fault that the 6 weeks extended beyond that? He practices living green, being a vegetarian and building his homes below ground. Okay, so the burrowing can get a bit bothersome in one’s lawn, but everyone has their faults. After all, he has a lovely piece of poetry written by Robert Frost about him : “A Drumlin Woodchuck”. For those that are unaware, woodchuck is another name for a groundhog, it does have a nice ring to it…although Woodchuck Day may take some getting used too. Then again, the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club would never go for it. I ask you to extend to Phil the right to be considered innocent until proven guilty. I’m with you all the way Phil! Just to be clear, Phil stays out of politics, it is simply too dirty for him! Thank-you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well, certainly that’s true, but I haven’t seen too many from the Democratic Party being arrested for such things as fraud lately, but I seem to recall quite a few from the Republican Party that are in a bit of hot water … dating all the way back to, I believe 1971/1972? 😉

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s