Punxsutawney Phil Arrested For Fraud
(Punxsutawney, PA) Western Pennsylvania was in shock today, in addition to being snowbound, after news leaked that Punxsutawney Phil has been arrested for fraud. This follows a lengthy investigation during which it emerged that he deliberately predicted an early summer despite knowing winter was far from over in order to manipulate betting markets. He did not act alone, but in concert with criminal elements out of Ohio who placed huge long-odds wagers on an early summer prediction.
To his credit, local residents say Phil had resisted such pressures for years, carrying out his predictions in a faithful manner despite the promise of huge payoffs if he were to fix the result. Sadly it appears he finally gave in to temptation and deliberately predicted an early summer when he knew almost for a fact that bitterly cold temperatures would still be arriving well into April and beyond.
Those close to him say they were not so surprised to hear he would be indicted as he had been on the decline for some time. Rumors of meth addiction, so often the downfall of those who feel trapped in rural areas, abounded – and there was also a string of dysfunctional relationships with questionable types who appeared to be more attracted to Phil the celebrity instead of the friend they knew.
He also felt under immense pressure due to the rise of a new generation of meteorologically-gifted rodents such as Staten Island Chuck, and was utterly despondent to hear about the growing popularity of Balzac Billy (a.k.a. the Prairie Prognosticator) in Alberta, Canada, who is not even a groundhog, but a man in a costume.
He is expected to be formally arraigned tomorrow once it’s warmed up a bit.
Dear Jill,
I would definitely put an end to all this foolishness and grant the damned pardon. Phil is cute and he doesn’t deserve to be called a republican.
Hugs, Gronda
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Works for me! He is definitely cuter than any of the people in the Trump administration!
Hugs!!
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Another one who should run for president 🙂
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Well, I would vote for Phil over the current scum in the White House!
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Lol, it has come to that.
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Gambling is for losers. Poor Phil! 😩
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Sigh … another one we thought was a good one fails the ultimate test of virtue.
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He should be run out of town on the rails!
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That’s right! Make an example of him! Show the others what awaits them! 😊
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I will never believe that Punxsutawney Phil would stoop so low as to not see his own shadow for nefarious reasons. While he is a rodent of sorts, he is not a rat, more like a giant North American ground squirrel of the cute and maybe not so cuddly type. The poor guy is damned if he predicts an early Spring and damned if he doesn’t by predicting 6 more weeks of winter. Why just last year there was a Pennsylvania warrant for his arrest based on deception. How was it his fault that the 6 weeks extended beyond that? He practices living green, being a vegetarian and building his homes below ground. Okay, so the burrowing can get a bit bothersome in one’s lawn, but everyone has their faults. After all, he has a lovely piece of poetry written by Robert Frost about him : “A Drumlin Woodchuck”. For those that are unaware, woodchuck is another name for a groundhog, it does have a nice ring to it…although Woodchuck Day may take some getting used too. Then again, the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club would never go for it. I ask you to extend to Phil the right to be considered innocent until proven guilty. I’m with you all the way Phil! Just to be clear, Phil stays out of politics, it is simply too dirty for him! Thank-you!
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Oh, bother! The second I hit that button, I remember that I shouldn’t just yet…but too late!
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It’s all that shoveling, I tell ya!
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Hear Here!!!! All in favour of granting Phil a blanket pardon say AYE! All those opposed … shut up and go home! I’ve always had a soft spot for Phil, and I cannot stand to picture the poor little guy behind bars! Let’s go bust ‘im out now! We’re coming, Phil!!!
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Ah, poor Phil. I don’t know how much lower he can sink though. He “does” live in a hole in the ground after all. 😀 — Suzanne
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True … perhaps the darkness and loneliness has driven him mad! Perhaps even jail will be a welcome change of pace! 😀
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😂
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well, the party affiliation could honestly go either way.
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Well, certainly that’s true, but I haven’t seen too many from the Democratic Party being arrested for such things as fraud lately, but I seem to recall quite a few from the Republican Party that are in a bit of hot water … dating all the way back to, I believe 1971/1972? 😉
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Oh no say it ain’t so… being a sellout Manafort-esque groundhog is no way to live life! Save ur reputation, do the right thing Phil. 🙂
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