Okay, folks … here is my big announcement:
I’ve decided to run for President of the United States in November 2020!
Um … don’t everybody wear your hands out applauding now … well, a little bit of applause might be nice … okay, I’ll settle for those few chuckles I heard.
Now, I can’t afford a huge campaign, and I will NOT take a single dime from any business or lobbying interest, so that puts me at a disadvantage before I even get to the gate. However, I do have a few advantages over the rest of the pack, but I’ll get to those in a minute.
First, a few of my highest priorities:
- The United States will immediately, the day after I take office, rejoin the Paris Accord
- All regulations on the fossil fuel and auto industries that were revoked by my predecessor will immediately be re-instated
- I will petition Congress for emergency funding to re-build the Environmental Protection Agency and will nominate a conscientious person as director of that agency
- We will enhance our renewable energy resources and provide incentives for companies to develop new sustainable energy sources
- Constitutional Issues
- I will support freedom of the press to the fullest, even when I don’t like what they say about me – the free press is our only hope for remaining a free people
- Separation of church and state will be the law. There is no place for religion in government, and this government will support no particular religion over another
- I will petition Congress for a ban on all assault weapons, and for expanded background checks, as well as training and licensing in order to obtain any sort of firearm
- All funding for the Department of Education will go toward public schools where all children will be treated equally; taxpayer money will NOT be used for ‘charter’ schools that benefit only the few
- I will propose that Congress introduce legislation to provide free college tuition for a minimum of two years to all students whose annual family income falls below $100,000
- School curriculums will be evaluated and re-designed as necessary in order to provide students with a well-balanced education that includes both career training and a liberal arts education
- Religion will not be taught in public schools. Parents who wish their children to obtain religious training may send their children to religious schools at their own expense
- Health Care
- No person in the country will be without affordable healthcare. Most will pay according to their ability to pay, without such payment placing undo hardship. Those who cannot afford to pay will receive free healthcare
- There will be an ad hoc committee to study prescription drug costs and appropriate caps will be put on all pharmaceuticals
- The tax brackets will be expanded for those earning over $100,000 per year. Those whose net worth is $1 million or more will fall into the highest income tax brackets, to be determined before year end
- Unfettered capitalism will cease to exist. My administration will place a higher value on human life than on GDP
- The Chairman of the Federal Reserve will decide at what point it is prudent to raise or lower interest rates without coercion from myself or others. This is not a political agency, but one based on the best interest of the nation
- We will aim for a balanced budget, or at least reduce the deficit by 20% each year, and will not increase the national debt beyond its current levels
- International Relations
- We will begin re-building trust among our allies in whatever way possible
- We will hold Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman accountable for the brutal murder of our journalist Jamal Khashoggi last year by severing any arms agreements, and imposing other sanctions as seen fit
- There will be NO wall on our border
This is by no means a comprehensive list, but merely the top bullet points of my platform. Now, what do I bring to the table, since it damn sure isn’t money or fame?
Honesty and integrity, for starters. I will take not a single dime from any organization that seeks special favours or sees their donation as creating an obligation. I will not lie … if I cannot tell you something, I will simply say that I cannot discuss it, but I will not lie or over-inflate my achievements. I will demand the same from any cabinet members that I select.
Compassion and humanity. I will put the people of this nation … all the people … ahead of profit. One thing this means is that I will never demean or mock another human being. We’ve had enough of that to last a lifetime. I will not tolerate bigotry in any form. The emphasis of this government will be people, not weapons of war, not profit for the biggest corporations, but the well-being of people.
Literacy. Unlike my predecessor, I have studied politics and history all my life, hold a B.S. in both Accounting and Political Science, and an M.A. in International Relations. I have read the U.S. Constitution at least 50 times in the past 30 years and have taken a number of classes in Constitutional Law. I have studied past presidents. And I can write more than 5 words without a spelling error. In other words, I know the difference between ‘origins’ and ‘oranges’.
Common Sense. I am smart enough to realize that there are many, many things I will not know, but unlike my predecessor, I am willing to seek the advice of those who do know those things. I am also smart enough to realize that sometimes we all make mistakes, but the important thing is to admit those mistakes, then take steps to rectify the errors. This I will do.
And that, my friends, is all I have to offer. Now all I have to do is find a running mate who shares my values and vision. Any takers?