There’s A Plan??? Who knew???

Alexandra Petri is a columnist for The Washington Post who only recently came onto my radar.  I love her style … subtle yet unmistakable snarky!  In 2010 she became the youngest person to have a column in The Washington Post; she also runs the ComPost blog on the paper’s website, on which she formerly worked with Dana Milbank.  Her column yesterday was, I thought, brilliantly spot-on, and I decided you guys would get a bit of humour from it, too.


Trump has a plan! His plan is for nothing to go wrong.trump-iceberg

By Alexandra Petri
Columnist
August 30

Alexandra-PetriFirst off, do not worry about the economy. There is nothing to worry about. Who’s worried? If you were to worry, that would make the economy second-guess itself and grow agitated. Don’t worry about the economy. It’s fine. Worry about the Space Command.

Second, if there are any problems with the economy (there aren’t, but if there were), they would have nothing to do with the president. The last thing that would possibly impact the economy are his trade policies. It is “badly run and weak companies,” as he wisely clarified on Twitter.

Third, if there were to be any kind of downturn (not necessarily a bad thing, at hotels, people pay for such a service!), there is a plan. The plan is for it to be, as Mick Mulvaney told a gathering of donors last week, “moderate and short.”

This plan is without flaw, and, indeed, is the approach the administration is taking to all forms of crisis. That is, I am pleased to report, why there are currently no crises whatsoever.

Consider, for instance, the new rollback of methane regulations — even over the objections of people in the affected industries. A similar, ingenious philosophy is being applied here. To try to limit the amount of methane released into the earth’s atmosphere would send the earth a message that we thought it might be getting to the point where additional methane and CO2 could be dangerous to the planet, and that realization might cause the earth to panic, hyperventilate and destroy all human life.

Nothing depresses a planet so much as the suggestion that its continued health is hanging by a very fragile thread. The last thing we would want the earth to do is think there was a problem. If we were to take any steps that made it look as though we were aware of a problem and were addressing it, well, that would be the end, for all of us. No, we must keep it in a state of blissful ignorance.

Indeed, we have taken this attitude broadly in all areas of our lives. Take health care, for instance. If you do not have a plan that allows for bad things to happen, you will be amazed, for instance, how many fewer times you will visit the doctor and how much less prescription medicine you will obtain! Probably this is because you are healthier.

Similarly, imagine what might happen if we were to make any effort to regulate guns. If guns knew we were thinking of regulating them, why, something terrible might happen in America, on a regular basis, even.

This is why we are not even contemplating a plan for removing bedbugs should they ever come to the Doral resort. If you devised a plan to remove them, then for that plan to work bedbugs would have to show up in the first place — simply unthinkable!

We must stand firm in our refusal to plan for anything but good outcomes.

The second you make a plan for something bad to happen, you may as well be sending it an engraved invitation. If we make any plans that will invite people to see us as not confident, and then the bears of the economy will fall upon us and destroy us. Oh no, I have mentioned them! Now they will hear us.

No. Our plan for if the economy is ʙᴀᴅ (shh, not so loud, you must not frighten the economy) is for it not to be ʙᴀᴅ. If we have a ʀᴇᴄᴇssɪᴏɴ (hush), our plan is for it not to be the bad kind, and for it to leave quickly.

Umbrellas invite rain. Safety harnesses inspire people to drop from great heights. Do not get me started on what helmets do.

This is why the Titanic brought so few lifeboats on board. To bring too many is to imply that a disaster might happen, in which case such lifeboats might be needed and might lead the ship to lose confidence in itself and capsize. This would have been disastrous!

The last thing we need is to invite disaster.

27 thoughts on “There’s A Plan??? Who knew???

  1. I dearly loved my father but from the time he retired he refused to go to a doctor. He didn’t make a Will either. When he finally got a clot on the brain and we had to send him to the hospital to save his life, all the things he’d neglected seemed to come to the forefront and prolong his hospital stay. The hospital in 1980 didn’t check him for blood clots before sending him home for July 4th. He laid down after lunch and I found him there. He’d died of a massive coronary thrombosis. For crying out loud do what you can to head off disasters. I believe in God and prayer but I also believe He gave us common sense. Some people just don’t use it. —- Suzanne

    Liked by 2 people

    • I am much like your father … I avoid doctors and hospitals as much as is possible. I have a daughter who is an RN, and her stories along with personal experience have convinced me that I will largely stay healthier without their interference. These days, here in the US, healthcare is naught but business … all about money, not the patient. They will prescribe unnecessary drugs, send the patient for unnecessary tests, and schedule excessive return visits just to get those dollars. As a lifelong Type I diabetic, I am more in tune with what my body needs than the doctors and on a few occasions, if I had followed their advice, I would have died. That’s the sad state of healthcare in the U.S. — $$$ trumps 👥. Often, we choose quality of life over quantity, and that is something the medical profession does not understand nor take into account.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. That’s a good one! Who, me worry? Reminds me of an old joke… In life there’s only two things to worry about. The first is, either you’re well or you’re sick. If you’re well, nothing to worry about but if you’re sick there’s two things to worry about: either you will live or you will die. If you live, nothing to worry about but if you die, there’s two things to worry about: either you go to heaven or you go to hell. If you go to heaven, nothing to worry about but if you go to hell, you’ll be so busy shaking hands with friends you won’t have time to worry. Trump is 4 months older than me and I wonder, how long can the tub of lard last? And I hope he goes to heaven where he’ll be reminded for eternity that there is no way, not ever, that he can ever again have the top position. That will gall him more than anything: torture by vanity.

    Liked by 4 people

    • 🤣 I had heard a slightly different version of that joke many years ago … still funny! I’d just as soon Trump be treated to a dose of justice and “torture by vanity” right here on earth where it serves as a warning to future megalomaniacs! 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Jill, this is well done. Problems are fake news by those who hate him and want him to look bad. He can so easily convince his followers the above is true, that he need not plan. Yet, then there are all those others who see tbrough his schtick. That is who he worries about.

    So, his plan is to say it is not happening then fall back to it is someone else’s fault. He started the blame game with the Fed last fall. They will be one of the fall guys for the economy turning south. Another fall group is the media and Dems who are talking us into a recession. Not at one point does he say the real culprits – the global economy is slowing and his trade war is making it worse. Keith

    Liked by 3 people

    • Never in my life have I seen anybody with such a bloated ego, a bloated sense of self-worth, of invincibility. I’ve known a few narcissists in my life, but none to compare to this.

      Oh yes, he is setting up others to take the fall when things go wrong, for sure. The economy is really the only thing he has keeping his legitimacy with his base, I’m thinking. When the market drops, when the unemployment numbers rise, when those people wearing those red hats find themselves unable to pay the rent or having their car repossessed, then my thought is that it won’t matter who he tries to lay the blame on. “The buck stops here” is what he will learn. Maybe.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Wonderful share!! I, too, fairly recently introduced to Alexandra Petri. She is a woman of many talents, satirical writing is most definitely amongst them. She also writes some very serious pieces, one of which was forwarded to me by my Son the beginning of August following the July 28th Gilroy Garlic Festival shooting. I no longer recall the exact date and title of the piece that was in The Washington Post, I think it was : “Why are these acceptable sacrifices.” Excellent piece if you can still find it. As a twenty-something she authored a memoir that was published about 4 years ago. I read the amusing, rather worn and worse for wear, paperback copy of “A Field Guide to Awkward Silences” that was loaned to me by a neighbor. She said it had been around the block…figuratively and literally is seemed! Thank-you!

    Liked by 3 people

    • I found the article you referenced … dateline is 7/30, and you were spot-on about the title! I swear you have the best memory of anybody on the planet! I haven’t read it yet, for I wanted to finish answering comments first, but it is in an open tab. She is certainly a talented writer! I also found a few more along the more satirical lines that I thoroughly enjoyed … she can snark even better than me!

      Liked by 1 person

      • My memory of the title is most likely due to telling my neighbor about it during the next of our weekly “Coffee and Politics” meetings, some pastries are always included too! She looked it up right then and there, that led us into another of our meandering discussions. That was also when she gave me the aforementioned book. As the saying goes : “I may not have lost all my marbles, but there is definitely a hole in the bag.” – unknown, at least by me! Thank-you!

        Liked by 2 people

          • I would like to say that we have debates, that sounds so intellectual! In truth, we commiserate about the deplorable state of Republican Politics in general and Trump in particular. We do discuss books, community projects and the like. We are two dignified Ladies of a certain age…you could say that we are kindred souls! Our meetings are always proceeded by a visit to the divine bakery across the main road by one or both of us…supporting local business is another important “civil duty” and I’m proud to do my part! Thank-you!

            Liked by 2 people

            • These days, commiserating about the state of the country, the world, is about all we can do, and it’s great to have a friend to share it all with. Throw in the visit to the divine bakery, and it makes for just about a perfect day! I swear, I’m gonna have to come visit you and join in on this “dignified ladies get-together”!

              Liked by 1 person

  5. Maybe, if Trump keeps denyi g anything bad might happen, those things to which bad things might happen will start to wonder why no one is worrying about bad thi gs happening, and worrying about them always causes them to happen. Murphy’s Law.

    But Trump obviously has another plan. His plan is to be totally unprepared for anything bad to happen, so that if the wrong bad thing happens he won’t have to try to use the bad tools that he was planning to use for the right bad thing to happen. Be prepared for nothing, so that you can be prepared for everything. Trump’s Law.

    Liked by 5 people

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