Folks, I have exciting news!  I have finally figured out what Donald Trump is!  Everyone in the world has some calling, some talent or skillset that makes them better suited for one job or another.  Some people are fortunate enough to be able to engage in a career that matches their talents and skills to a paycheck.  Others, unfortunately, are not so lucky, as in the case of Donald Trump.

Trump has tried and failed at many things in his lifetime, although he would deny that he was a failure.  He has tried being a casino owner, a real estate mogul, a television persona, a beauty pageant moderator, and now a politician.  None of these are the jobs that Donald Trump was cut out for, but I have found his niche for him!  He is cut out to be a stand-up comedian!

Remember Rodney ‘I don’t get no respect’ Dangerfield?  Or what about Don Rickles, Steve Martin, Redd Foxx, Andy Kaufman … Seinfeld … the list goes on and on.  I think Trump could fit right in with these guys, for his one liners are classic first-timers.

On Tuesday, ahead of the special election in North Carolina for the seat in the U.S. House of Representatives from District 9, Trump held a … well, I think it was more of a campaign rally for himself, but he claimed that the republican candidate Dan Bishop, who was trailing in the polls, had asked him to come and stump for him.  Seems, though, that Trump made it all about himself, as is so often the case.  Anyway, in reading some of his comments, I was bowled over!  No, not by his honesty and integrity … wake up!  He has none … but rather by how humorous … how utterly laughable were the things he said!  And in front of a crowd of about 6,500 people, too!  Take a look at a few, with my natural snarky responses in blue …

• “They’ll say, you know, George Washington had a great election, too. The fake news, right? The fake news.” (Truth is that Washington did have a great election, having been elected unanimously.  No other president since has come into office with a universal mandate to lead.)
  

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• “They tried to do the recession thing, you know they tried the Russia thing. That didn’t work. They tried many other things. I always say, the media and their partner, the Democrats.” (Can’t you just picture Don Rickles saying that?  🤣🤣)
  

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• “Those statements are a little bit, sort of not too good. Huh? What is the word we want to use here? A little — no. No. No. They’re pushing a little hard and it’s not — it’s not working.” (WTF??? A “little bit, sort of not too good”?  That’s what my 4-year-old son used to say when he didn’t like what I fixed for supper!)
  

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• “Tomorrow is your chance to send a clear message to the America-hating left — and it’s got to be — and by the way we’re building that wall and it’s going up very big.” (One of a comedian’s best tricks is to change boats in mid-stream, but … I’m not sure I’ve ever seen it done with such dizzying speed!)
  

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• “Did Don Jr. give a good speech? I heard that. They all said he was on fire. Well, he’s fighting. He loves his country. My son loves his country.” (🤣🤣 Junior’s speech was last month in Pikeville, Kentucky, and some 200 people attended.  In fact, the “crowd” was so sparse the organizers made everyone move to the very front, so it would look like the stadium was packed!)
  

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• “So now it’s just different and now it’s working the other way and tariffs are a beautiful thing when you know how to use them. They’re a beautiful thing.” (Tariffs are beautiful?  Who knew?  That’s like saying the Boston Strangler was a beautiful guy!)
  

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• “Well, every inch of wall that we put up is vital and we’re putting up miles and miles and we intend by next year at the end of the year to have anywhere between 400 and 500 miles of wall built and this is serious wall. This is the real deal. Serious wall.” (Serious wall??? As opposed to … what … humorous wall?  Funny wall?  Ay chingada!!!)
  

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• “I was even (ready) to stand out in the rain and get my hair soaking wet, but they said it was a little bit out of your district. But it’s my hair. May not be great, but I will say it’s better than most of my friends who are the same age. A lot better. A lot.”  (His hair, in and of itself, is a the joke of the century!!!  Even Boris Johnson’s isn’t as bad as Trump’s!  🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣)
  

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• “We have screens and loudspeakers and everything. It’s really amazing what’s going on out there. But after years of building up other countries we are finally building up our country, that’s the bottom line.” (Say WHAT???  Are the screens and loudspeakers something he’s never seen before?  And … is he using them to “build up” the U.S.?  How?)
  

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• “Did you ever really sort of feel where you don’t even have to treat people nicely? You don’t have any choice, you have to vote for me. I can leave right now.” (Please, yes, DO leave right now!  Go!  Find your spotlight in the late night talk shows!  You will make a killing!  And don’t worry – you won’t even have to treat people nicely – not that you’d know how anyway.)
  

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• “In fact, we are keeping even more promises by far than we made or than we promised, so many more. So many more. So many more.” (Are we all scratching our heads and rolling our eyes yet?  🤷 🙄 )
  

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• “We had to do something and you know budgets are fine. I love budgets and we’ll get to that. Don’t worry about it but we had to rebuild.” (Awww … he loves budgets.  Isn’t that just the sweetest thing you’ve heard?  Nothing to see here folks, just a bit of re-building, slashing of democratic norms, no big deal!)
  

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• “Boom. Boom. Made in the USA. If you want Made in America, I don’t care. What do you like better? Made in America or Made in the USA?” (Um … does he even understand the difference?  Personally, I will go with “Made in Japan/France/Soweto” at the moment)
  

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• “Under the normal rules, I’ll be out in 2024 so we may have to go for an extra term.” (This has to be the funniest one yet, don’t you think?  If he tries it, I swear I will go buy my own AR-15 and take him OUT!)
  

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• “I’m not a vain person. But I look better under an incandescent light than these crazy lights that are beaming down on us.”  (Sorry, folks, but this has taken it from 🤣 to 🤢.  Donnie – forget the career as a humourist … perhaps you’d do better as a … a … sorry, I got nuthin’. I’ve never in my life seen an uglier person than he.  Pocky skin, ugly fake hair, and a humongous wobble-belly.)

Well, that’s about all I can take of his brand of ‘humour’, my friends.  I had initially thought to tell Trevor Noah, Stephen Colbert, Seth Meyers, and the two Jimmys — Fallon and Kimmel — to take a back seat to the newest comedian in town, but … let’s face it … this one isn’t funny, he’s just pathetic.