On Friendship

Posted on by under Election 2022, Personal, Political commentary, Social commentary

Please forgive my introspective and somewhat dark mood this morning …

What is friendship?  Respect?  If I don’t respect you, can I still really call you a friend?  In times of strife, we learn who our friends really are, don’t we?  I and most of you have either lost friends or found relationships strained over the last six years because of our political views.  Here in the U.S., it was Trump, and in the UK it was Brexit.  I remember in 2016/2017 being floored to find out that people I had known for 30-40 years were avid fans of Trump.  Eventually, most of them ‘unfriended’ me on Facebook, stopped sending Christmas cards and stopped including me in their occasional lunches.  All of which was fine with me, for I realized we had nothing to talk about and my views were too strong for me to sit and smile while listening to them sing the praises of a maniacal madman.  I’m lucky for while I have lost a number of friendships, some people have even divorced over unreconcilable political differences!

So, my question is … what is friendship if it cannot, in many cases, survive differences in political ideology?  Is friendship fleeting, depending on both people to grow and change in the same direction?  Is it by necessity doomed when they don’t?  And I ask myself in the wee hours of the morning when sleep is elusive, “Do I care more about political philosophy than I care about the people I once called ‘friend’?”

A fellow-blogger spoke the other day of taking a road trip with a number of friends who are avid Trump supporters and how difficult it was, listening to the talk show radio in the car set to the station of their choice where the radical right viewpoint was presented loud and clear, and I think he’s a better person than I am, for I would have told the driver to stop the car, gotten out and hitchhiked back home!  Worse yet, had it been my car, I’d have stopped the car and told the rest to get out!

And it isn’t only politics … another person who I had been friends with since 1970 recently stopped being my friend because of my non-religious beliefs, even though I do not talk of my views, do not make a big deal of them, and certainly never try to convince anyone else to think as I do.  She decided that if she couldn’t convert me to her ways, then the friendship had to end.

Y’know … times are tough everywhere and we all need a support system, we need friends who we can count on and who can count on us in times of trouble.  I recently found out that a couple of my former work friends had died, and I was as saddened to learn of their deaths as if we were still close friends.  I was sad to know that I wasn’t there for them when they might have needed a hand to hold.  I wish I could have given them just one last hug.

For two years while working on my undergraduate degree I worked as a research assistant for a professor of political science at the University of Virginia, Joseph M. Scolnick.  One of his projects that I assisted on was based on the theory that the surest way to bring a nation of people together is an external threat.  We saw the results of this briefly in the hours and days following 9/11 when this nation came together, especially the people of New York City, but throughout the nation.  We came together, if only for a few days before the conspiracy theories and finger-pointing began.

Right now this nation is more divided than I can remember … even during the Vietnam War, we were not this divided.  Is this what it’s going to take to bring us back together?  Is it going to take someone dropping a bomb, declaring war, shooting down an airliner, before we set aside our differences and pull together for the sake of camaraderie, the sake of self-preservation, the sake of the nation, the globe?

I have no answers, and I’m no better than anybody else, for I am intolerant of what I see as the ignorance that has led us to the brink of the destruction of democracy in this nation.  I think what is at stake is too important to sacrifice our values and integrity.  But … what about our friends?  😢

75 thoughts on “On Friendship”

  2. Thank you for being honest about this hard topic. Of course, there are no easy answers. Natural disasters like hurricanes seem to pull people together regardless of politics or religion. My parents’ politics were opposite mine. We tended to skirt around most issues and focus on our common interests. My relationship with my adult children is similar. It’s ironic that my parents would have been pleased with most of my daughter’s conservative beliefs. It’s a good thing that we share a love of nature and animals along with a few other less obvious things. For me, as long as people don’t try to impose or convert, we can be friends on some level. On the other hand, sometimes we have to distance. I could not have sat through the car ride with right wing talk show without earplugs or headphones. For a while, I was meeting a group of women from high school for lunch. We were all teenagers in the 70s. I’m glad I had already eaten my lunch when the right-wing political comments started. I was the first to leave. I’m having Thanksgiving dinner with my son and his family. If things get too weird, I will say, “Can we talk about something else?” I’m thankful he usually understands, often with a little laugh.

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    • Thanks, JoAnna! It is a difficult subject, but one that I think all of us can relate to at some level. My one son is a trumpeter, but he doesn’t live near me and we rarely communicate. Other than that, I am lucky that my daughter and granddaughter with whom I live both share my views almost completely. They keep me sane! It is a sad state of affairs when families are torn apart, but it sounds like you’ve managed not to allow politics to divide you from beloved family. Hats off to you, for I know that is a difficult thing sometimes. I would have to bite my tongue … a lot!

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      • I sometimes question my son about the logic (or lack of logic) on his FB posts, but other times, I just sigh and move on. I’m glad your daughter and granddaughter have compatible views and help keep you sane. My husband and I are politically compatible. When you live with someone, that is a big comfort and relief.

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  3. I think a lot of us learned a lot about people we thought we knew when tRump came along. Once upon a time people respected other’s political choices, but once ignorance came along, people separated from those who drank the Koolaid when it was no longer about political choices. but morals. It wasn’t hard for me to take a powder where necessary. And your first line about strife – truest words. As I’m living in grief, writing about it and podcasting about it, I can tell you, many have disappeared from my life after my husband died. I learned to clean house real well. As Maya Angelou said, “When people show you who they are, believe them”. ❤

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  4. First of all, hugs Jill. I may not be here for every post but I value your contribution to the truth of our political folly and understand how diligently you pursue these truths to share. I also appreciate your humor and honoring good people. There are few sources I trust these days and you are one of them. I also understand now why Tibetan monks choose the life they do. Human interaction is messy. Being in this country that we now call home at least 3/4 of our time has only reinforced what I have felt since I was old enough to remember my thoughts.
    “Peace is found when we connect with Nature.” When we accept the connectedness of everything there are no barriers. The notion that others must be accepted or rejected based on our mental perceptions of what we have in common is folly enough, but when we as humans feel it is necessary to alter someone else’s beliefs and mold them into some kind of mirror image of ourselves then it becomes purely a game of ego.
    I personally feel that our need to categorize human relationships sets them up for failure at the start. Whether we are talking lovers or friends, teacher or student, wealthy or poor, assigning a title to anyone puts limitations on how these relationships might evolve. After being betrayed (literally) by at least three ‘friends’ as an adult I have stopped using the term. I have people who are dear to me for our soul connection but we aren’t perfectly aligned on every view of life. There are people I won’t share space with because their ideas are completely abhorrent to me and they will not be swayed. I do not consider these failed relationships. I have one person I call friend that I have known for over 50 years. We don’t live in the same country any longer but have always stayed in touch. In recent years we have found ourselves on nearly opposite ends of the political spectrum but we agree to keep our love and support of one another separate from these things. She sees a movie about a girl who collects feathers and draws and it reminds her of me. I have a dream about her and make sure to check in and inquire if she is doing well. There is, I believe, a mistaken idea that a real ‘friend’ is someone who is glued to us, that we must consult about every detail of our lives and who always agrees with us. Again, the label issue is dependent on individual perception.
    I have lost close acquaintances during these troubling political times as well Jill, but it wasn’t because we thought differently about things. It was because they refused to consider any other point of view. Their anger and poison was too much for me to accept. If you’d like loyal friends who don’t care about your political or religious views, feed the birds. They are the most lovely, constant and loyal buddies you’ll ever find. 🤗❤️

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    • Awww … thanks, Cheryl … and big hugs back to you, dear friend. 🤗 And thank you so much for your kind words … you cannot know how much it means to be one of your trusted sources in this crazy world we live in today!

      That quote — “Peace is found when we connect with nature” — is so very true. Nothing compares to a walk in the forest … NOTHING! I’d rather spend an hour in the woods than a day in a shopping mall or a fancy restaurant. Sadly, most of us don’t live in areas where we have that option readily available.

      With now 8 billion people on Planet Earth, there is likely somebody else somewhere out there who thinks exactly as you do or as I do, but the likelihood of us ever meeting them is infinitesimal. You’re right … no two people will logically agree on everything or share the same views in every case, but for me, there are some things that I simply cannot overlook. Racism, abuse, cruelty … those are definite ‘lines in the sand’ for me. On other issues, I might be slightly more flexible, but these days I find it difficult. When someone supports ignorance, promotes celebrities over thinking people to run the nation, I just can’t connect to their thought process. And when a person is more concerned with whether they can afford to travel over the holidays than whether homeless people will have enough to eat, then … I find I have no connection left to that person.

      My marriage dissolved in 1985 after 15 years, and I always believed the reason was that we each grew, but in different directions. People do grow and change over the course of time. Nobody remains stagnant. If two people start with a strong bond, be it romance or platonic friendship, then they may grow together in the same direction, sharing the same views, but it’s just as likely that they will grow apart, one person leaning one direction while the other goes in the opposite way. It’s … a fact of life. Human nature, if you will.

      Ha ha … and about your suggestion to ‘feed the birds’ … I do just that every morning! The birds get bird seed and the squirrels get unsalted peanuts, and if it’s not raining or snowing, we share a bit of conversation before I come back in to start my morning chores! The squirrels, especially, do take the time to listen to my chatter and chatter back at me, so they actually know more about me than most of my friends. For that matter, so do my cats!

      Big hugs, Cheryl! Take care and be well.

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  7. Maybe we need another visitor like the one in “The Day The Earth Stood Still” to bring us all back together. Ya’ think?

    Seriously, at my age, I’ve simply lost contact with folks over the years. Some moved away and we lost contact … and some simply “aren’t around” anymore (if you get my drift). And since I’m not one to get involved in “group” gatherings, I haven’t made any “new” friends . It’s pretty much narrowed things down to my “friends” being online entities like yourself, my other-half , and my dog — and she and I never discuss politics! 😄

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    • I never saw that movie, so I have no idea who or what that visitor was, but … heck, I don’t think they could possibly make things any worse!

      Yes, I’ve experienced some of that, too, and more and more I can relate to my grandmother who used to read the obituary column in her newspaper (back in the days of newspapers — remember those?) because she wanted to learn if any of her friends had died recently. I, whose parents were told I wouldn’t live to the age of two and that they should just put me in an institution and try again, have outlived a number of my friends! I’m still stunned when I think about it. No, I don’t care much for large gatherings, but there used to be a handful of us from the old publishing company who would meet up every other month or so, and I do rather miss those luncheons. But overall, like you, I’m content to stay home with my girls and the kitties and chat with my blogging family!

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      • It’s not surprising you haven’t seen/heard of the movie — it was a sci-fi produced in 1951! Reruns do pop up occasionally on certain channels so if you can stand the stilted acting and obviously fake props, the story itself is worth it. There have been “modern” versions of the basic premise, but it’s one of those movies that stands on its own.

        BTW, glad you outlived those awful suggestions/proposals!

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        • Ahhhh … it came out the year I was born, so no, it’s not surprising I haven’t seen it — I wasn’t much into movies then, and that was before the internet when I could have watched it from my bassinet! I doubt that I’ll seek it out, for I have little-to-no interest in SciFi, but I get the picture!

          Thanks, Nan … me too!

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  8. Jill, there is a horrible leadership technique which is not really leadership at all. It is a divide and conquer approach that pits people against one another with only the so-called leader being above the fray. Donald Trump uses this in his management of others and uses it with the American people. This is a reason financial reporters have noted his horrible management skills long before he ever ran for office. But, it also shows he would rather divide us and win than unite us. It is the most self-centered of leadership styles. He relishes in it, but it is being realized at long last that it is a fool’s errand to follow his lead. People should not lose friends over supporting such an undeserving person. Keith

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    • Yes, you’re quite right. And that “leadership” technique highlights that old saying, “United we stand, divided we fall.” There is entirely too much “Them vs Us” in this country … as if one side is the ‘bad guys’ and the other is the ‘good guys’. Joe Biden ran a campaign based on his plan to unite the people of this nation after Trump had torn us apart, but the people seemed not to want that and they rejected, laughed at, his every attempt. It makes a mockery of the name of this nation, the “UNITED” States of America. Sigh. No, people should not lose friends over the likes of Donald Trump, but … I find it impossible to smile and nod while listening to someone extol his virtues. And when I ask their opinion of the Access Hollywood video, or his horrible policies of racism and bigotry, they call me a hater … I’m the hater if I stand for humanitarian values. It makes friendship a bit difficult. Sigh.

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  9. I’m acquaintances with a couple of trumpers, but no one I’m close with. At my age I only have a few very close friends and I prefer them to be on the same page, politically and religiously and they are. I wouldn’t want it any other way. Don’t need to try to work around someone who could ever ever support a person like trump or religious bigots who hate gays and non Christians, nor racists and just mean hateful people. I don’t want stress or toxicity in my life. I want to chose my friends wisely and I have. My few Facebook friends are not trumpers or conservatives. Most are not religious and none nutcase religious.

    I could not overlook this lack of empathy, ethics, reasonable understanding of the world and hypocrisy in a person. No thanks.

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    • I think it all boils down to our values, Mary. It isn’t that I cannot be friends with a trumpeter because they like Trump per se, but rather because they support the ideals he ensconces, such as racism, homophobia, and misogyny. That is what I find unacceptable … but as you say, at our age we’ve earned the right to pick our friends carefully. I don’t care if my friends disagree with me on many things, but at the core, they must value humanity in all its forms, else … I don’t want to be friends with them.

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  10. Right below, on the “”MORE ON WORDPRESS.COM” on my WP page is a post entitled “Non-Negotiables: Online Dating.” Not being into dating at this time in my life (my partner whom I met online and I have been together almost 20 years now) I took a look to see what is happening in this world. It seems everyone has things they refuse to overlook in a possible date/mate. I think this practice is not conducive to having something to learn from others, or having someone learn from you. Almost all my relationships in life have been about learning how to get along with others, lessons that are important to life, and how to live it. Restricting your choices cannot help you grow as a person. Are we becoming so set in our ways that we want to live only with our clones, and not share life with those different from us?
    This is going to create very boring lives, not to mention a very static way of life. As someone mentioned above, find the similarities. To that I would like to add, but celebrate the differences! If we restrict our choices to only people like us, we will never advance as people, as living beings.
    And that is my rant on friendship for today…

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    • Wow … I didn’t realize that you and Gail had been together for nearly 20 years!

      I disagree with you somewhat, though. I mean, if the criteria are small-minded and pettish, then yeah, I see your point. But, there are certain things that would make me stop and say, “Thanks but no thanks” in a date or prospective partner. I think we all have our ‘line in the sand’, probably even you. But, the bottom line is … it’s our choice. If I say I would never date a man who hates Black people, that’s really my business, my choice based on my own set of values.

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        • I was going for an extreme example, but the reality is that people with strong views like to make sure their views are well-known. I’ve never been on any dating app, nor do I expect I will ever, but I can easily imagine somebody pointing up, even if subtly, their views on race or religion or gender identity to attract others who believe the same.

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  11. It is very difficult to stay neutral when you are bombarded with opinions that are not yours or when you someone tries to convert you. If the other one can’t be as neutral in specific subjects the only solution is to part ways. It is ridiculous, childish, and sad, that political orientation and religious convictions are stronger than the bond between two people. If two people are really friends, each one accepts the other person as they are. They don’t try to convince them of their own attitude or belief. They will never touch those topics which could separate them or they only do when joking about it. Maybe those people who struggle with that forgot why they became friends. But somehow such situations are just little signposts that it is time to part ways. Maybe what they could give each other was done or the lesson is exactly in that “break-up”.

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  14. I’m sharing this on my blog because that is something that I myself had to endure since 2016. Even though I had a lot of friends during my time in school and college, I was shocked and even flabbergasted to realize that 3 in 5 were fans of Trump and favored the policies and behaviors that he was conducting before and during his presidency. I had to make a separate fb page for those who agreed with my political views, where only 20% of the 1000+ in my network joined. More startling was that most of my family- say all but maybe 10 relatives- were fans of Trump and still support his election lies to this day. With that I tried successfully to avoid talking politics because there was no point. Each one has an opinion of his own and must live with these opinions and decisions like adults. I think though after the Mid-Term Elections, we’re starting to see (finally) a shift towards decency and the truth. We’re seeing fewer people believing in Trump and his Big Lies because we’re all occupied with the problems we have at home. And these problems require solutions that cannot be solved at home alone,k but through the community of friends and especially family. And as 2024 approaches, we will definitely look at candidates based not on fame and popularity but on how he/she will lead America and tackle the long-ignored problems going forward, including global warming and the effects on our way of life. I don’t think Trumpism is destined to go on much longer, even if he was to announce his candidacy soon, which many will sneer at and say “Yeah, right.” Great write-up and keep it up. You should write a book on this. 🙂

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    • First of all, thank you so much for sharing this on your own blog! I greatly appreciate it!

      I think that those who support Trump cannot possibly share the same values I have, humanitarian values that put people ahead of profit, that believe there is value in diversity. Trump and his sort want a world confined to straight, white, Christian people, preferably dominated by males. That is not the sort of world I could ever live in, so there is a very basic ideological difference between myself and anybody who supports Trump. That it has divided us to this point is the fault of both the politicians and the media, who never let it rest. Sadly, I don’t see an end in sight … even long after Trump is dead and gone, the bigotry and hatred he exposed will live on, for they were there all along, lying under the surface.

      Thanks again for sharing this post and for your kind words!

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    • You’re right, and … overall, I think that if the friendship is based on such things as our views toward fellow humans, then our political views ought to be fairly similar as well, for most every politician weighs in on either being a humanitarian or a bigot. But, it surprises me to find that some of the people who I’ve long thought to be great fellow humanitarians now side with the political arm that is against LGBTQ people, inter-racial marriage, and other similar things. I wonder if people change over time, or if they are swept up in a wave of … feelings? I just don’t know any more.

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      • Well, people do change, yes, but there is also a danger that anyone who identifies with political party X, for example, are expected to hold a whole raft of views and that those identifying with party Y hold a completely different set, which is often not the case. Most people who identify with a party will hold some views not associated with that party. We just make assumptions about them.

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        • Agreed … and that’s a part of the problem. Nobody is going to agree with every thought and belief of any political party, yet they are expected to support the entire platform without reserve. That often means sacrificing one’s own values for the sake of a political ideology. I just can’t do that. I do know some who can, though. I have a friend … a white woman who is married to a Black man … who is very much a racist. Leaves me scratching my head!

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          • Umm…how does that happen? No, in the past I’ve never joined a political party because there would always be some policies I disagreed with. I am a member of the Green party now, though, because climate breakdown is an issue that trumps everything else in importance.

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            • I still don’t ‘belong’ to either political party, am an Independent, but these days I lean heavily toward the left, the Democratic viewpoint. Ever since 9/11, perhaps even before, the Republicans have been getting more and more authoritarian, more bigoted and narrow-minded. I DO like the Green Party, and we have a relatively small one here, too, but the way our system works, no third-party is ever likely to win an election. They can’t even get on the ballot in many states. I wish we could change that, for the two old parties have become … antiquated. They need some younger, more progressive minds!

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              • Our system isn’t quite as bad as that, but with a first past the post system it’s heavily weighted in favour of the two large parties. The most any of the others can hope for is to hold the balance of power in a close election,

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  17. Some people of different ideologies are friends because they concentrate on the similarities rather than differences. But it is hard as certain topics are off the table. The best friends are usually those who are on the same wavelength.

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  18. I was on a Christian Republican\Trump lover blog called “Citizen Tom” and he claimed Republicans were leaving Democratic run states and he also claimed there was fraud voting by Democrats. (of course he would) If that is true and I am very skeptical it would be a most stupid move just because of politics, we would never consider such a thing in Australia. I have some friends who were Trump supporters(3 females and one male) in Queensland Australia and I enjoyed the debate with them wondering why such intelligent people were so dumb. As time has gone on they have changed the subject very quickly when I mention Trump. I cannot help but smirk, cough lightly and think “told you so”. We are still friends, I feel politics and religions are just toxic realities that you cannot allow to rule your life.

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    • ☺ I just left a note on Citizen Tom yesterday, his response was exactly what I thought it would be. A complete denial of progress.
      I am fortunate that I have no real-life Trumper friends. (That said, I have so few real friends as I am, according to them before they set me adrift, not lost enough for them to save. Is that what friends are, people who want to save us from ourselves? If that is friendship I don’t need it.)

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          • That’s the thing with these sort … they have one single issue and that’s really all they know anything about, so they have to find ways to inject it into every conversation.

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        • Yes Jill he is a real jerk, however I mostly monitor his site to amuse myself on his so called religious morals and principles. He quotes Hannity would you believe and I made it clear that give him absolutely no credibility regarding the topic at the time. He has no idea what atheist means and gives his detrimental opinion on how they think. Bizarre.

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    • I hadn’t heard of the Citizen Tom blog until today, so I hopped over there just to see. Not likely I’ll be going there often, unless I just want to rant a bit! He’s delusional … what century was he born in, anyway? As to the first — I would love it if Republicans would leave my state, but sadly while it is considered a ‘swing state’, it seems to be largely Republican now. I may leave, if I can! Secondly, there is no substantial voter fraud and it has been proven time and time and time again. He’s apparently oblivious to facts and prefers living in the QAnon world. As for your last sentence — you are right that politics and religion should not be allowed to rule our lives, but … quite often they are and they do. We are, after all, humans and humans are flawed creatures on a path to self-extinction!

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  20. This is a wonderful post Jill. Somber, reflective, yet at the same time uplifting.
    The ironic thing, at the onset being I joined WP for writing purposes and have to say I have met and made some friends in that neck of the WP woods, and yet here I am too….
    I couldn’t begin to qualify friendship for you, it seems to come in all shapes and sizes, though I’ve never experienced one of those long, solid, deep ones. They seem rare forged long and deep; most it seems fracture under other pressures; a tragedy. And these are testing times are they not? Ties of friendship, family, working bonds, social one and political ones.
    I was just replying to rawgod exchanging views on the themes you raised, so I’ll try not to repeat.
    What seems to test friendship and other bonds is when beliefs clash. Being muted I had hopes some dialogue could be formed with someone hereabout but their anti-Western ideology is too deep. So, nothing.
    Many though, through your blog in particular, have met and coalesced. rawgod, here, Keith, Jeff, David, Annie, Scottie (annnnddd sorry for those I have left out -dozy me to name but a few. Thanks to your blog we are bonding, although) with many differences, and outlooks, we share. An instance where ‘The ‘net’ has worked.
    I’m not sure how many years you and I have been bouncing back and forth in WP, but I value, this our friendship, and am proud to be able to say.
    Thank you, my good friend Jill

    (Ps…has to be reblogged)

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  21. ” I would have told the driver to stop the car, gotten out and hitchhiked back home! Worse yet, had it been my car, I’d have stopped the car and told the rest to get out!”

    To say it with master Yoda: “That is why you fail.”

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  22. I am going to go out on a ship’s plank and say, not even an external threat to the USA might not
    bring people together today, because almost half of Americans would cheer the attackers. Look at the way so many are cheering for Putin, or the Saudis. I think this has gone too far to bring people together easily.
    Having said that, online friends seem to be more important than real ftiends these days — we pick them by what they believe. And for the most part they are there anytime we need them, or they need us. I know I go out so little since Covid unless I have a damn good reason, like to buy food or see a doctor. I don’t go out to try to meet new people anymore. (It doesn’t help that I live in Redneckville, Alberta, and the chances of finding someone I can talk calmly to are pretty slim.) But the desire is not even there. Home is safe. Home is quiet. Home is where my cats are…

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    • I hear you talking.
      Humanity being Humanity Universal Coming together is a long, long way off. I’ll try and buy folk like you, time to sow the seeds of those ideas in the hope this time they flourish.
      Here we come together, disparate folk, thousand of miles apart, even with different views reached by different paths, but we share ‘A Something’. And that is precious.
      Here’s to that ‘A Something’.
      My good friend.
      Take care now
      Roger

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      • In my mind that something is the spirit of life, which I believe we all share (due to past experiences). It is hard to ignore experience!. But putting a name to it is unnecessary. It is a feeling, and feelings are all we really have. If one feels connected to life, to all living beings, one has hope. If one does not feel connected to life hope becomes despair. There is no use in living.
        I believe there is a use in living. And I love everyone who also feels there is a use in living.
        But I also love those who despair, because they too are living beings, and on any given day I know they can find hope, as hopeless as that may seem right now.

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    • You may be right. After 9/11 there was a shared feeling of grief and we saw people being kinder, helping others. But, that only lasted a week or so before the conspiracy theories started up and people split again. Even today there are some who believe that either a) those planes didn’t really crash, or b) it was orchestrated by the U.S. government. Sigh.

      I’m with you on that … I’ve become pretty much a hermit since the March 2020, the beginning of the pandemic, and I find that I like it this way. I’d rather be home.

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