And On This Jolly Monday, Ye Shall …. SMILE!!!

Posted on May 4, 2020 by jilldennison under animals, Bits 'n Pieces, cartoons, Humour, Politic-Free Mondays

I try not to do this often, but today I am reduxing a Jolly Monday from back in July 2017. The reason? I spent all my funny and good humour yesterday afternoon on the World Laughter Day post, and it has not yet replenished! Plus, Jolly stayed over with Joyful last night and hasn’t managed to drag himself home yet to help. Next week, I promise an all-new Jolly Monday, but meanwhile, this was one of my better ones, I thought.

Once again we face the daunting task of a new week … 7 days, 168 hours … and we do so with a smile, right folks? We … wha … who said “No”? Yes, we shall, now sit down and smile! Now, I usually bake cinnamon rolls or some such treat for our Monday morning, but today I have decided to keep our treat gluten-free for a couple of readers who didn’t eat the cinnamon rolls, so …

gluten-free apple

So, let us move on, for I know that some of you have jobs to go to and cannot lollygag around here all day.

Electrifying speech by father of the bride …

“It was a beautiful wedding,” said the mother of the bride. The wedding, held in the family’s apple orchard in Lower Woodstock, New Brunswick, had gone off without a hitch and now it was time for some celebrating. The father of the bride, JP Nadeau, had just begun his toast with, “You know, Adam, you are one lucky guy …”, when out of the blue (literally) came a bolt of lightning (again, literally).

“As soon as I said that, my daughter’s eyes – she was looking at me – just popped right out. Because all of a sudden there was this lightning flash that hit right behind me. The electricity went through the wire, because I was holding a microphone. I saw lightning in my hand. I was really freaked out. I had the microphone and the shock jumped into the sound system and my hand just lit up and I saw the spark. And I’m looking at my hand and it’s all flared up … It was like I was holding a lightning bolt in my hand, it was amazing. I felt the current go right through me, but it was my hand I was worried about, because I’m a piano man. I want to keep playing. I don’t care if I die. I want to keep playing.”

After determining the only damage was a small scorch mark on his thumb, Nadeau continued his toast, only to be interrupted yet again by the people in the sound booth who were frantically yelling at him to bring back the microphone he was holding. He calmly walked over to the sound booth to hand them the microphone as the wedding guests looked on, stunned. “They thought I was going to drop dead.”

Nonetheless, the party resumed, albeit under a tent, for the lightning bolt was, predictably, followed by wind and rain. It is said that a good time was had by all, and JP Nadeau is well aware that son-in-law Adam was not the only ‘lucky guy’ that day!

Not Candid Camera …

Imagine that you go to the ATM, conduct your business, and in lieu of a receipt, this is what comes through the slot …

Most people at this point would be looking around for a hidden camera. Many took it as a joke and simply drove off. But finally, after three hours and who knows how many notes, somebody flagged down police Officer Richard Olden. The officer was also inclined to brush it off as a prank, but as he approached the ATM he could hear a faint voice.

What happened? A repairman was called to the ATM in a bank under construction to repair a door lock. Leaving his cell phone in his truck, he entered the ATM and with a sinking feeling, heard the door close behind him. Oopsie. So he began writing notes. I wonder just how many such notes he had to write before finally somebody took it seriously? Lucky he didn’t leave his pen and notepad in the truck with his cellphone!

Hubby storage …

Most of us leave our hubbies or significant others home when we go to the mall. (Actually, I HATE malls and as it happens, in my family the girls leave ME home, for which I am thankful.) Malls and men mostly do not mix. But every now and then, one gets stuck taking hubby who, being totally bored, exhibits eye-rolling and deep sighs, not-so-furtive glances at his watch, and occasional foot-tapping. By this time, it seems just simpler to leave than to continue whatever shopping we set out to do. But a mall in China may have hit on a brilliant solution for both wife and hubby … hubby storage pods!!!

“According to The Paper, the Global Harbour mall in Shanghai has erected a number of glass pods for wives to leave any disgruntled husbands that don’t want to be dragged around the shops.

Inside each individual pod is a chair, monitor, computer and gamepad, and men can sit and play retro 1990s games. Currently, the service is free, but staff told the newspaper that in future months, users will be able to scan a QR code and pay a small sum for the service using their mobile phones.” – BBC, 14 July 2017

I think it is a pretty good idea that may catch on, but … I can picture many a wife finishing her shopping and going home, accidentally (or not) forgetting hubby back at the mall!

More avocado art …

Remember a few weeks ago when I posted the above picture of an avocado that had been intricately carved into a thing of beauty? Well now comes this …

The story is that Jan Campbell was preparing an avocado for lunch one day when she was struck by the beauty of the pit inside. After weeks of pondering its potential (people really have time to spend weeks pondering an avocado pit???), a deeply pigmented surface scratch inspired her to carve away its layers until a beautiful piece of art appeared.

Ever since that day, the Irish artisan has been turning avocado pits (or ‘stones,’ as she calls them) into tiny, intricately detailed figurines inspired by Celtic folklore. She carves the tranquil faces of forest spirits, the flowing hair of ancient goddesses, and even a handful of wild mushrooms now and then.

Though I mock, I must admit that this is actually pretty, and will certainly last longer than the carving done from the fruit itself. Yes, the avocado is technically a fruit, and even more specifically, a single-seeded berry. Who knew?

You can view more of Jan’s carvings , but I warn you … the one pictured above goes for €111.00, or about $127 USD, so don’t become too attached!

Friends …

Kathryn Ryckman of Boerne, Texas posted two videos of friends, Maizey, a 10-year-old Labrador Retriever, and Bailey, a horse of unknown age. The two are long-time friends, as you will see in these two short clips:

Let us wrap it up with a few more of those funny signs …

174 km is about 108 miles … very helpful in case of emergency!

Sorry folks, I just couldn’t resist …

Okay, folks … I am sorry to tell you this, but it is that time, once again. Awwww …. don’t look so sad … be thankful that at least you are not having to don coats, hats and gloves to go out and shovel the drive … well, except for my friends in Australia, where it is now winter. I hope everyone has a wonderful week … try not to let things get you down this week … remember that there is always something, usually many things to be thankful for. Keep smiling, and keep sharing the smiles … keep safe and have a great week!

Jolly Monday Awaits!!!

Posted on August 19, 2019 by jilldennison under animals, Bits 'n Pieces, Humour, Politic-Free Mondays

Good morning, friends! It’s Monday again … yay. Oh, no, of course I’m happy to see you! This is often the highlight of my week … I’m just not quite ready to face another week just yet … I was enjoying the more laid-back-ed-ness of the weekend. But, a new week it is, and that means we need to kick it off with some fun and funnies, right? … … What’s that noise??? JOE … wake up … you’re snoring!!! Go grab a cuppa coffee, for Pete’s sake!

So, how was your weekend? Mine was quiet with a capital Q! Daughter Chris had four separate band performances on Saturday and two on Sunday, so she was largely either gone, or napping on the sofa, for she was marching outdoors in a wool kilt, wool socks, and the temps were in the 90s! Needless to say, she was t-i-r-e-d! So, Miss Goose and I did our own thing and few words were spoken, except for Saturday evening when we collaborated on a Chinese supper … she made the Chow Mein, I made the cream-cheese Rangoon, and we had Pandora frozen Eggrolls. It was both fun and tasty!

Well, I know you all have places to go, people to see, and all that, so let’s get this show on the road and find some fun stuff to start the week off right. Snacks over on the table … help yourself!

Benjamin’s Juice Box!

Benjamin’s Donut

Gem’s cream

Larry’s celery

Roomba with a ‘tude …

You know those self-driving little disc-shaped vacuums called ‘Roomba’? I don’t have one because I can only imagine what it would do to the hearts of our poor little already traumatized fur babies. Well, back in May, a young man named Michael Reeves, a techie sort of guy, decided to have some fun and do a bit of back-door programming on a Roomba. What he did … he taught it to scream obscenities! Now, maybe I’m getting interested in a Roomba after all!He took the modified Roomba to the Target store where he originally bought it for what he refers to as a bit of “market research” and turned it loose.

The store manager, however, failed to see the humour, and ultimately Michael concluded that the general public is not ready for his invention.

“It appears as though our invention is simply too far ahead of its time. The world isn’t ready for the Roomba that screams when it bumps into things and I’m okay with that.”

Oops!

Lindsey and Mark Lashley recently had a baby … well, Lindsey had it, Mark stood by and watched. They named the baby Cason Knox (yes, really), and Mark’s mother got down to the business of letting everybody in the family know. She must have thought the easiest way was to send a text message to everyone on her contact list, but one of those people had changed their phone number. The old number for the cousin had been re-assigned, and a stranger named Dennis Williams received the text message.

Imagine his puzzlement, but nonetheless, he and his brother, Deorick, decided to pay a hospital visit to the new parents, and they even brought gifts! This, folks, is something you don’t see everyday … just a random act of kindness that started as a wrong number!

Little things …

It’s a little thing, and some might think it’s a waste of time, or not very important, but … I think it’s a sign of hope in more ways than one.

This tortoise, dubbed Helix, was born with a congenital deformity, whereby the bottom of his shell is twisted upside down. Its front half was perfectly normal there was no deformity in his face or front legs. He was able to properly eat, and he could scoot itself around using its front legs, though at times he struggled.

Enter Randy Betz, a medical sales consultant with a side business of … helping people hatch tortoises! Who knew? Betz said Helix was in danger of being euthanized, as he was unable to walk. Betz was inspired by a mini skateboard to come up with a unique solution.

“I took some glue, some superglue, and I glued it right on the back end of it. Very heartwarming to see him as happy as he was able to move around.”

Take a look for yourself …

Lightning strikes again … and again … and again …

I found this picture over at Phil’s Phun, and I have no idea where this was or when, but isn’t this an amazing display of lightning?

Funnies …

How about a few funnies?

And, I must stop here, but one last bit of fun … I cannot conclude Jolly Monday without a cute animal video! I disappointed young Benjamin again on Saturday, and promised to make this extra special for him, so … let’s watch some baby polar bears take their first steps …

And that wraps up yet another Jolly Monday, my friends! Please … share those gorgeous smiles with everyone you see this week … we all could use a kindly smile, a touch on the shoulder, a hug. Keep safe and have a wonderful week! Love ‘n hugs from Filosofa and Jolly!

Saturday Surprise — Happy Father’s Day

Posted on June 15, 2019 by jilldennison under animals, Bits 'n Pieces, Humour, Random, Saturday Surprise

It’s Saturday, folks!!! The WEEKEND is finally here! For me, it’s a quiet weekend. Chris is in Chicago for a band competition, so it’s just me and Miss Goose. Yesterday … we did nothing useful. We both went for a walk, she took out the trash, I tidied the kitchen, and we snacked on whatever is residing in the fridge that isn’t covered in green fuzz. Who knows what today will bring? I definitely have to at least do a load or two of laundry, but beyond that … probably not much! Sunday is Father’s Day, so before I forget, I want to wish all you dads out there a very Happy Father’s Day!!!

And thus ends another Saturday Surprise! Have a great weekend, my friends!

Saturday Surprise — Holiday Humour

Posted on December 22, 2018 by jilldennison under Humour, Saturday Surprise

Since most of my recent posts have been a walk on the dark side, I decided perhaps you would enjoy a bit of holiday-themed humour. I came across a few short poems and ‘toons that brought a smile to my face, as I hope they will to yours.

Snowball
~ Shel Silverstein

I made myself a snowball,
As perfect as could be,
I thought I’d keep it as a pet,
And let it sleep with me.

I made it some pajamas,
And a pillow for its head,
Then last night it ran away,
But first – it wet the bed!

Once There Was a Snowman
~ Anonymous

Once there was a snowman,
Who stood outside the door,
He wished that he could come inside,
And run about the floor.
He wished that he could warm himself,
Beside the fire, so red,
He wished that he could climb
Upon the big white bed.

So he called to the North Wind,
“Come and help me, pray,
For I’m completely frozen,
Standing here all day.”
So the North Wind came along,
And blew him in the door,
And now there nothing left,
But a puddle on the floor!

And my very favourite one of all …

Saturday Surprise — Thanksgiving!

Posted on November 17, 2018 by jilldennison under Holidays

Last Sunday I was at the grocery store doing my usual weekly food shopping when I noticed at the back of the store where the butcher shop and meat reside, a coffin filled with turkeys. Hmmm … my thoughts were that they were jumping the gun a bit, that it was too early for turkeys to start appearing. Then on Wednesday I had an email from Betty Crocker, the subject of which read “Only 8 more sleeps ‘til Thanksgiving”. Say WHAT??? No way! It can’t already be … I looked at my calendar … FORNACAZONI!!!

Where did summer go? Where has the year gone? How did this happen?

Well, the reality is that Thanksgiving is only 5 days now, and I, who am usually well-prepared, with menus planned, supplies and groceries bought, am wondering if the local pizza place delivers on Thanksgiving. Sigh.

Well, knowing that I wasn’t going to make it go away by ignoring it (I tried that once – it didn’t work), yesterday morning I bounced out of bed, cleaned out the fridge to make room for a 24-pound turkey, spent a few minutes with our friend & neighbor, Maha, discussing the arrangements, and then trotted out after Chris got home to buy the turkey. I haven’t named him yet, so feel free to offer suggestions. Last year’s was either Ralph or Rusty … I forget which. What? Of course I always name our turkeys! How else would I distinguish this one from another one? He died just to grace our table and fill our bellies … the least we can do is give him a name!

So anyway, in honour of the fact that next week is Thanksgiving, I thought I would make today’s post a bit of Thanksgiving humour!

I really loved this one … especially the punch line …

The Turkey Popped Out of the Oven

🦃

The Turkey popped out of the oven

and rocketed in to the air;

It knocked every plate off the table

and partly demolished a chair.

It ricocheted into a corner

and burst with a deafening boom,

Then splattered all over the kitchen,

completely obscuring the room.

It stuck to the walls and the windows,

it totally coated the floor,

There was turkey attached to the ceiling,

where there had never been turkey before..

It blanketed every appliance,

it smeared every saucer and bowl;

There wasn’t a way I could stop it;

that turkey was out of control.

I scraped and I scraped with displeasure

and thought with chagrin as I mopped,

That I would never again stuff a turkey

with popcorn that hadn’t been popped.

written by Jack Prelutsky

No Turkey Died – But….

When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time and feed it and so on for the following Thanksgiving. But by the time Thanksgiving came around, we sort of thought of the turkey as a pet, so we ate the dog. Only kidding. It was the cat. – David Letterman

From the Butterball hotline …

Thanksgiving Dinner on the run. A woman called 1-800-323-4848 to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The woman responded, “I don’t know, it’s still running around outside.”

Then there’s the time a lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

And how about a few Thanksgiving ‘toons …

Have a fun ‘n tasty holiday, my friends, and if you travel for the holiday, do so safely!

Jolly Monday … And Happy Labour Day!

Posted on September 3, 2018 by jilldennison under Humour, Politic-Free Mondays

Hello dear friends, and welcome to Jolly Monday, once again sans Jolly. You’ll remember that last Monday I thought Jolly had run off again. Choosing in the Netherlands thought he might turn up there, but as it turns out, Jolly did not run off at all, but was Jolly-napped!!! In the Monday afternoon mail, I received a ransom note! The amount of money demanded was simply ridiculous! But still, Jolly is special to me and cannot be replaced, so I paid it … the whole, bloomin’ $5. For some reason they wouldn’t take a credit card or check, and demanded it be paid in small, unmarked bills, so I had to wait until I could borrow a car to get to the bank. But the ransom has been paid and …

Jolly should be back next Monday, unless I fail in my mission, so for today I shall carry on and do my best to be humorous, even though it is not my strong suit. Last week, young reader Benjamin suggested that since I burnt the toast, put out black bananas, spilt the coffee and mistook milk for juice, I “should not cook alone anymore!” So, I debated just buying some treats, but no … I am determined to prove young Benjamin wrong and have outdone myself with my baking this morning, I think. So, grab a treat and a cuppa and let us start the week out right … with a few chuckles!

Today is the celebration of Labour Day, so it seems appropriate to make this a post about Labour Day.

My wife came home from work yesterday and was raging about her boss. She said to me, “I’m never going to work for that man again!”.

I asked her, “Why, what did he say to you?”

She said, “You’re fired.”

********************************************

In the week before Labor Day, Eli, a dirt-poor country farmer won the Lottery – half a million dollars. So to celebrate, he treated his wife and their four kids to a trip to see the Labor Day parade in New York.

He booked them rooms in the Sheraton International at the corner of Park Circle and Central Park North. They’d never been to anywhere like New York before, in fact they’d never traveled further afield than their local town, so when they got there they were completely bowled over by all the glitz, glamor and excitement of the “Big Apple”.

Eli and his son Clem were particularly mesmerized by a shiny box with silver walls in the hotel reception. They’d never before come across doors that could move apart, and then automatically close again, as neither had seen an elevator before. So they were totally amazed when a little old lady entered the shiny box and the doors closed on her. The lights on the wall by the doors flashed for a minute or so, then the doors opened and out stepped a beautiful young woman.

Eli turned to Clem and said, “Son, go get your mother.”

*********************************************

My boss made me go into the office on Labor Day. Halfway through the day, he came in to check up on me and caught me having a beer.

He said to me, “You can’t drink while you’re working.”

I said, “Oh, don’t worry – I’m not working.”

*********************************************

As a young man …

My first job was in an orange juice factory, but I couldn’t concentrate on the same old boring rind, so I got canned.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that, I tried working in a donut shop, but I soon got tired of the hole business.
I manufactured calendars, but my days were numbered.
I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. Mainly because it was a sew-sew job, de-pleating and de-pressing.
I took a job as an upholsterer, but I never recovered.

In my prime …

Next I tried working in a car muffler factory, but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it.
Then I was a pilot, but tended to wing it, and I didn’t have the right altitude.
I studied to become a doctor, but I didn’t have enough patients for the job.
I became a Velcro salesman, but I couldn’t stick with it.
I tried my hand at a professional career in tennis, but it wasn’t my racket. I was too high strung.
I became a baker, but it wasn’t a cakewalk, and I couldn’t make enough dough. They fired me after I left a cake out in the rain.
I was a masseur for a while, but I rubbed people the wrong way.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

Later in life …

Then I became a personal trainer in a gym, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.
I thought about being a historian, but I couldn’t see a future in it.
Next I was an electrician, but I found the work shocking and revolting, so they discharged me.
I tried being a teacher, but I soon lost my principal, my faculties, and my class.
I turned to farming, but I wasn’t outstanding in my field.
I took a job as an elevator operator. The job had its ups and downs, and I got the shaft.
I sold origami, but the business folded.

Finally …

I took a job at UPS, but I couldn’t express myself.
I tried being a fireman, but I suffered burnout.
I became a banker, but I lacked interest and maturity, and finally withdrew from the job.
I was a professional fisherman, but I couldn’t live on my net income.
I next worked in a shoe factory, but I just didn’t fit in. They thought I was a loafer, and I got the boot.
I worked at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
So I’ve retired, and I find I’m a perfect fit for this job!

*********************************************

Have a safe & happy Labour Day, my dear friends! Love ‘n hugs from Filosofa!

It’s Monday, So It Must Be … Jolly!!!

Posted on July 30, 2018 by jilldennison under animals, Humour, Politic-Free Mondays

Good Monday morning, my friends! Come on in and make yourselves at home! Did you all have a wonderful weekend? The temperatures here were much more bearable than they have been so far this summer, so that was nice. I even slept a whole 8 hours for the first time in a long time, so perhaps I won’t have so much trouble staying focused this week. Help yourself to a bit of a morning snack, and let’s go in search of a bit of humour, shall we?

A donkey or a zebra?

Mahmoud Sarhan snapped photos at the International Garden Municipal Park in Cairo after he noticed the two zebras on display appeared to be donkeys painted to look like zebras.The photos, which went viral, show the animals’ stripes appear to be smudging. A veterinarian who analyzed the photos said the coloring of the faces do not align with a normal zebra’s appearance, and their stripes do not appear to be consistent. The zoo, however, denies that any of the animals in the facility are fraudulent. I’m no expert, so I will withhold judgment.

A Chinese zoo came under fire in 2013 when sharp-eyed visitors noticed an animal labeled as a “lion” was in fact just an especially fluffy dog. The People’s Park of Luohe said the Tibetan mastiff was a temporary replacement for the zoo’s real lion, which was away at a breeding facility.

Sheesh … can’t trust anything anymore.

Tooth all gone …

I am always amazed, and more than a little puzzled by the variety of inventive means parents use to remove their children’s ‘baby teeth’. I mean … leave them alone – they will come out all by them selves, and if you cannot pull it out with only your fingers, then it isn’t ready yet anyway. But parents seem to enjoy torturing their children. Remember the one I mentioned a while back with the dad who pulled his son’s tooth by means of a crossbow?

This mom turned the job over to her son, Gibson, who fired off a Nerf dart that was tied to a loose tooth in the mouth of his sister, SaBella. Nerf darts have been clocked at speeds as high as 35 mph!

Stupidity to the n^th degree …

Mitchell Adkins, age 52, and Christopher Binion, age 46, were both old enough to know better. It happened in Niles, Ohio, where the two men went into a local PetSmart store and somehow managed to walk out with an aquarium for which they did not pay. But that isn’t the worst! Their getaway vehicle? A bloomin’ motorcycle!!!PetSmart called the police, and as the officer was on his way to the store to take a report, he spotted the men fleeing the scene, so he turned and followed. Mitchell sat on the back, holding the stolen goods, and at some point, for reasons undisclosed, decided to jump off, breaking the aquarium and getting himself arrested.

And the stupidity continues, for while the officer lost track of the motorcycle rider, the vehicle was soon found abandoned behind the Chef Peng restaurant. Officers searched the area and spotted a “nervous-looking” man behind a home. Besides looking nervous, Christopher began to furiously prune a small tree with his bare hands telling officers he was there to do yard work. He told police he saw the suspects flee east on a nearby road, but investigators did not believe his story and he, too, was arrested.

And they didn’t even wear helmets!!!

But mom – I thought you liked it!

You know how puppies are … always so eager to please their humans that they bring us an array of things that … well, end up maybe not pleasing us so much.

Such was the case when Baloo, the 5-month-old border collie decided to please his human, Carol Wohr, by bringing in the lawn sprinkler from outside … while it was still sprinkling!

“I was in a panic on what to do. My lamp and TV were getting soaked. Good thing I was wearing waterproof mascara.”

Wohr said playing in the sprinkler is one of Baloo’s favorite activities. She said she plans to keep a close watch while watering the lawn in the future to make sure the puppy’s water antics remain outside.

Three cheers for the new mayor …

I have written before about towns that had a dog as mayor, but this is a first … a cat! The Village of Omena in Michigan, has had non-human mayors for more than a decade. The feline’s name is Sweet Tart, and she will serve until the next mayoral election in 2021. Her opponents this round included 13 dogs, a peacock, a goat, a chicken and another cat, all of whom were awarded positions on the village council.Now, I am willing to bet that this village is run in a much more humane and efficient manner than those run by humans, for in the past two years I have concluded that humans are not, after all, a superior breed!

And now, folks, while I wish I could invite you to hang out here all day, I really do have work to do … and so do you! I hope you found something to chuckle about here today, and if you did … go share a smile or two with somebody who isn’t chuckling! You could probably even part with a hug or two this week, eh? Keep safe and have a great week. Love ‘n hugs from Filosofa!

Jolly Monday … Already? Again?

Posted on June 25, 2018 by jilldennison under Humour, Politic-Free Mondays

Good Monday morning, friends! It’s the beginning of yet another week … I don’t know about you, but I’ve come to dread the start of a week, for each one seems to bring with it more bloomin’ chaos than the last. But, alas, the weeks just keep coming, so the best we can do, I think, is to face them with courage and humour, for if we lose our sense of humour then all the fun goes out of it. The good news is that they say laughter is contagious – let’s find out …

Are you laughing yet?

I was in the mood for something different this morning, so I made a breakfast pizza! I hope you like it, but there are also donuts in case your sweet tooth is calling out. So, grab a bite of something and a cuppa somethin’, and let’s make some fun here, okay?

The rat did it …

It happened in Tinsukia, India. A State Bank of India ATM machine was not working … actually hadn’t been working for several weeks. The machine was first reported to be broken on May 20^th, but it was not until June 11^th that somebody was sent to look into the problem. I can only imagine the surprise of the repairman when he opened the ATM to find … shredded money! Lots of shredded money! ₹1,357,298 Indian rupees, or about $20,000 USD. Now what the heck?Police were called, and upon further investigation, they discovered a rat carcass. Apparently the rat got into the machine through a small hole, couldn’t find his way back out, so he entertained himself by shredding the pretty paper. Sadly, since the repairman took 22 days to go check out the situation, the poor rat ultimately died. The moral of the story is … _______________________________________________ (fill in the blank)

For the lack of good sense …

It looked rather like one of those scary movies where somebody has pins sticking out from their head at all odd angles …Massachusetts State Trooper Joel Daoust was travelling on I-91 in Springfield, when he spotted the contraption. The driver was cited for violating Mass General Law, chapter 85 section 36, “Unsecured/Uncovered Load.” And Trooper Daoust posted on the department’s Facebook page “Please remember, when traveling with a load in a vehicle, take a look at it and before taking to the roads, ask yourself, “What could go wrong?”

It’s a french fry … no, it’s a stylus … no it’s a FRYLUS!!!

Last Thursday, 21 June, was National Selfie Day. Who knew? Who cared? Apparently McDonald’s did (I did not). You know how when you’re eating a greasy Big Mac your hands get all slimy and gooey? And then, if you remember it’s National Selfie Day and feel compelled to snap a pic … you’re gonna get the touch screen of your phone all greasy! So, McDonald’s spent lots of money to design this wonderfully unique device … a stylus that looks like a french fry (well, if you’re a bit drunk and have really poor vision)!And … on Thursday customers could get one for free with the purchase of a tasteless Quarter Pounder! But the fun doesn’t stop there! They even spent the money to create a very dramatic, 1-minute video that you simply must watch …

“Another frivolous, fry-based innovation from the makers of the Frork (a.k.a. us). Literally the only solution for keeping your phone 100 percent fresh while enjoying our new 100 percent fresh beef Quarter Pounder burgers and taking a 100 percent fresh selfie. And it really works! Most of the time.”

There is even … scoff … an ‘Official Frylus website’.

A condo with a bonus …For those of you who just happen to have an extra $85 million lying around collecting dust, here’s a real deal! It is a condo – a 15,000-square-foot duplex in the Hell’s Kitchen section of Manhattan (that’s more than 10 times the size of my house!). The condo is on the 45^th floor of the Atelier Condo Building with a gorgeous view of the Hudson River. Now listen to what it includes …

10 bedrooms
11 bathrooms
12 alt rooms (whatever the heck that is)
Fully equipped kitchen

And apart from all that, your $85 million also gets you …

$2 million construction credit (in case you want to build bookshelves or something)
$1 million yacht with docking fees for five years
Two Rolls Royce Phantoms (1 convertible,1 hardtop)
Lamborghini Aventador Roadster
Dinner for 2 weekly at Daniel Bolud’s Resteraunt Daniel for 1 year
A Hamptons mansion rental for a Summer
Live in butler services for 1 year as well as private chef

But I still haven’t told you the best part! It includes … wait for it … two $250,000 seats on a Virgin Galactic flight to space!!! And all this for only $85,000,000!!!

Don’t have $85 million? Well, if you can put $17 million down, your monthly payments will only be $351,408! For the next 30 years. Pre-approval is required, of course. (I will contact my bank right after I decide whether I can pay $35 for a new pair of tennis shoes!) Personally, though, it is a little too … white for me. I like some colour, some warmth in my home. So, perhaps I’ll look elsewhere.

A child is born …

Most people go to a hospital to have their baby, but there may be some fringe benefits from having one elsewhere. Around 11:00 a.m. last Monday, a woman gave birth to a son on France’s RER A line, holding up trains for around an hour before mother and son were dispatched to a nearby hospital.The upside? The baby will receive free unlimited travel until he is age 25! Hmmmm … if I were of a notion to have a baby (I’M NOT!), I might consider having one at … Pizza Hut? P.F. Chang’s? A hotel in Hawaii?

Okay, folks … a glance at the clock tells me that I’ve kept you long enough and you’re going to need to hustle to get to work on time! I hope you are leaving with a smile, but I left a basket of extras by the door just in case … take a few and spread them around this week, okay? Keep safe and have a wonderful week, my friends. Love ‘n hugs from Filosofa!

This one is so much fun … if you don’t have time to listen to the whole thing, at least catch the first few minutes … guaranteed to make you smile!

Knock Knock … Who’s There … Jolly Monday!

Posted on June 18, 2018 by jilldennison under Humour, Politic-Free Mondays

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Car go

Car go who?

No, car go ‘beep beep’

And now you see my mood this morning. I’m sleepy and {yawn} cannot be held accountable for serious thoughts or actions {yawwwwwwnnn}. But it is that day again … already … isn’t it? What happened to the rest of the weekend? Well, come on in … make yourselves {yawnnnn} comfortable and let me go put the coffee on … be right back.

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Cows go

Cows go who?

No, silly … cows go beep beep MOO

Okay … I managed to scrounge up some coffee and leftover scones … sorry rawgod, no tea today. Now where {yawwwwwnnnnn} was I? Oh yes … you want humour to start your week work, right? Okay … one or two doses of humour coming right up!

Flying Potties …

Daughter Chris was at band competition last weekend, and after they set up their band tent, it stormed during the night on Friday and demolished their tent! Pretty windy, but not, I think, as windy as it was in Commerce City, Colorado where port-a-potties could be seen flying through the air! At first, the skies were blue, the sun shining, people enjoying a day in the park with their children, then all of a sudden … along came the wind! Take a look …

Congratulations, by the way, to Chris’ band, the Cincinnati Caledonian Pipes and Drums, for taking 1st place in their grade!!! Proud of you guys!!!

Cheesy Dad …

It’s too late now, for Father’s Day is over, but keep it in mind for next year. Kraft (yeah, the cheese people) held an auction on eBay. The auction gave the top five bidders the opportunity to submit photos of their dads to be transformed into cheese sculptures “by bona fide cheese artists, who just so happen to be at the top of their game in the high-stakes world of professional cheese sculpting.”The auction’s description explains the traditional correlation between fatherhood and cheese:

“Odds are, at one point or another, your dad has exhibited cheesy behavior, i.e., cheesy jokes/cheesy shirts/cheesy music/any combination thereof. Your old man’s cheesy greatness should be celebrated. Which is why we’re offering to commemorate your dad with a big ol’ block of Kraft cheese sculpted into his likeness.”

Darn! I wish I had known about this ahead of time, for I would have contacted a certain friend of mine and gone halves with her on the bidding 😉 😉.

All proceeds from the auction are being donated to Feeding America, “the nation’s largest domestic hunger-relief organization.”

The company included some disclaimers in the auction description:

“* Sculptures may vary by artist and their muse. (Your dad’s a muse!)

* Some men are chiseled from marble, but your dad will be sculpted from cheese – cheese that, like your dad, is not meant to be consumed.

* PLEASE DO NOT EAT.

* Seriously, don’t eat it.”

No word yet on who the winners were.

And Speaking of Red Pandas …

Yes, yes, I know we weren’t speaking of red pandas, but I came across this most adorable video of red pandas playing in the snow, and I just had to share it!

On Pizza and Potholes …

For some time now, there has been debate in our government about infrastructure projects, and meanwhile, while the debate continues, nothing is getting done. I have a pothole right in front of my home that could swallow a small person. Anyway, one company decided to take matters into its own hands. Domino’s Pizza claimed that those potholes were causing the ruination of their delivery pizzas, so last week the company announced that they are partnering with U.S. cities to fill potholes and stamp them with the company’s logo to avoid letting “bad potholes ruin good pizza.” I might debate the use of the words “good pizza” and Domino’s in the same sentence, but … “Potholes, cracks and bumps in the road can cause irreversible damage to your pizza during the drive home from Domino’s.”

Salad Emergency …

Last Tuesday, a 12-year-old child in Nova Scotia, Canada, called 911 … not once, but twice! The emergency? Salad. The child contacted police via the emergency number to report that his parent had served him salad that he did not care for. Then he called back a few minutes later to ask how much longer before help would arrive! Now, I’m laughing, but the Halifax District Royal Canadian Mounted Police were less amused. The RCMP did, however, go to the home and used the visit for an opportunity to have a discussion with the child regarding the proper use of 911.

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Europe

Europe who

No, you’re a poo!

A new world record was broken last week in Ireland. The Strip and Dip, an annual event at Magheramore beach in County Wicklow, broke a Guinness World Record on Saturday when 2,505 women shed their clothes and spent at least 5 minutes in the chilly water. Now personally this has no appeal to me. I don’t like being without clothes, and I darn sure don’t like being cold. But … well … hats off, I suppose to those brave 2,505 women who did do it!Said one of the participants …

“Myself and my lovely sister did the dip for the first time yesterday. I felt so honoured and proud to be among such beautiful, courageous, inspirational women. I am still buzzing today, the positive energy and vibes as we all walked down to the beach was emotional and fantastic. So proud to have been a part of it. Definitely back next year. Aren’t women just amazing.” ‎– Michelle Neary‎, participant.

What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.

Okay, folks, as you can see, I’m not quite at myself today, so I will go dig up some funny cartoons before one of you smacks me upside the head for the bad jokes I cannot seem to stop saying. Keep safe and have a great week. Be sure to share some smiles and hugs this week, okay? Love and hugs from Filosofa.

‘Are you crazy, lady? You ordered these twenty minute sago.’

Jolly Day After Sunday … 🤩

Posted on June 4, 2018 by jilldennison under Humour, Politic-Free Mondays

Well here it is Monday again … wait … where did the weekend go? Seems like only yesterday it was Sunday. Oh … yeah … heh heh … right. So, did you all have a wonderful weekend? And are you eager to get back to work this morning? I don’t … seem … to see big smiles on those faces. What’s wrong? Actually, I can tell which of us are retired as opposed to those of you who still have to put on ties and high heels and go earn a living just by the looks on your faces. See that big grin on Hugh’s face, and Gronda’s? Then look at poor Emily … awwww. Let’s see if we can have a bit of fun before you set out for work and put some smiles on those faces, okay? Grab a … sorry, I didn’t bake this morning, so it’s crackers and peanut butter … and a cuppa, and settle back for a few.

Demi Sweeney, a 22-year-old criminology student at Bournemouth University, spotted a huge spider outside her room last week. Now … I would have gotten a sheet of paper from the printer, had the spider walk onto the paper, then released it back outdoors. Not everyone, though, thinks like me, so perhaps some would have grabbed a shoe and … gulp … squished the poor wee mite. 😢 But Demi did neither of these things. What did she do? She called Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC)!

She ordered food to be delivered with the intention of talking the delivery driver into getting rid of Spidey for her. But when the driver arrived with the food, it turned out that he was also afraid of spiders! However, she coerced him and after a bit of scrambling about, he captured the spider and … snif … flushed him.

Anybody want to make any guesses how long it takes a sign to travel from the coast of New Jersey to the coast of Bordeaux, France? Awwww c’mon … take a wild guess.Okay, fine … I will tell you. Five years and eight months. This sign was lost during Hurricane Sandy in October 2012, and was found by a man named Hannes Frank on the beach in France last week. It’s not really in bad condition, for having spent 2,065 days bobbling about in salt water!

I am not a fan of rap music, but even so, I have heard of Snoop Dogg. It seems that his song titled Gin and Juice has helped him earn a place in the Guinness Book of Records for serving up the world’s largest Paradise Cocktail. TV chef Michael Voltaggio, winner of Bravo’s Top Chef, invited Snoop, rapper Warren G, Kim Kaechele and Kendall Coleman to help make it. The massive mixed drink was unveiled live on stage at the BottleRock Napa Valley Music Festival in California, USA.Containing 180 1.75-litre bottles of gin, 156 1-litre bottles of apricot brandy and 28 3.78-litre jugs of orange juice, the paradise cocktail was made to accompany Voltaggio’s Jamaican jerk chicken dish at the festival, which pairs musicians with chefs on their culinary stage.

Some people, methinks, have more money than good sense. Here is a new shirt being sold by Balenciaga (whom I have never heard of, and perhaps with good reason – Levi and Nike are more my style) as a part of their Fall 18 collection. It is called, the T-shirt-shirt …No, you’re not missing anything … it is exactly what it looks like … a T-shirt with an empty checkered button-down shirt sewn or glued to its front. The site says the shirt boasts “two wearing options” — ostensibly as a T-shirt or a button-down. Okay, so the shirt looks rather shabby … but the price tag is anything but shabby: $1,290!!! Yes, that is One Thousand Two Hundred and Ninety U.S. dollars, or £965, or €1,104. Do people really have nothing better to do with their money??? There is a bright side, however … the company offers complimentary shipping!

Miss Goose had the idea that we could buy up a bunch of cheap t-shirts and checkered button-downs and make our own, sell them for a much cheaper price, say $450, and be able to buy a house by this time next year!

And now … my dear friends … it is that time once again. I’ve picked out a special song to get the ol’ adrenalin stirring this morning … it is one of my favourites to walk to, for it keeps me moving at a pretty good clip, and I’ve even been known to do a little skip ‘n flip along the way! (yes, I remember that the bones are more brittle these days) I hope you all have a wonderful week, and please, share those beautiful smiles with somebody who looks like they need one. Tough times these days, and we can all use an extra smile. Thanks for being such special friends … you make me smile. Love ‘n hugs from Filosofa!