By Andy Borowitz

August 1, 2018

Photograph by John Greim / LightRocket / Getty

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans were foiled in their attempts to purchase groceries on Wednesday after failing to provide the proper government-issued I.D. cards.

From coast to coast, food-seeking scofflaws were turned away from supermarkets, convenience stores, and fruit markets as they tried to circumvent the nation’s long-standing grocery I.D. laws.

“Given that Americans have been required to show I.D. to buy food for years, it’s amazing that people still try to get away with this,” Carol Foyler, a supermarket cashier in Fresno, California, said. “It’s always, ‘Oh, I left my food I.D. in my other pants,’ or some B.S. like that. Believe me, I’ve heard it all.”

In Cleveland, Ohio, a man attempting to buy a loaf of bread, two yogurts, and a bottle of Fanta tried to use another consumer’s food I.D. to make the purchase, but was busted by sharp-eyed security personnel.

“It’s not just people using other people’s food I.D.s to get groceries,” Harland Dorrinson, the store’s security chief, said. “I can’t tell you how many fake food I.D.s we see in here on a daily basis.”

Dorrinson said that, although the nation’s food-I.D. laws have served it well, they “need to go further” to prevent rampant abuses of the system.

“Requiring people who want groceries to have a food I.D. is a good start, but there should also be background checks and a waiting period,” he said.

Now, don’t you feel better?